Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts

My Sister & I Don't See Eye to Eye on Family Gatherings


Summertime opens its doors wide for get-togethers, gatherings, reunions, and all manner of crowd pleasers.

We're no exception in this neck of the woods.

I completely avoid the word entertaining.  Yuck.  No one's trying to impress anyone around here.  We just want everyone to kick off their shoes {toss them in the big wicker basket so grandma doesn't trip}, relax, and enjoy whatever's happening.

I love it.

But this introvert learned long ago that not only do I need to have clean sheets on the beds and extra food in the fridge, but I do well to ready my soul for the joy-filled noise and ceaseless activity and all manner of good times that are to come.

I need to build in quiet spaces before, during, and after.

💌

This works for me:
I clear my calendar.
I purposely create a large margin of white space around myself a week or so before everyone starts arriving.  I say 'no thanks' to meetings, activities, and appointments that don't need my attendance or involvement.

I pull back online. 
I might do a bit of writing but you won't find me running around.  I'll see you later.

I stock the cupboards well ahead of time.  
Amazon and Walmart have become my grocery free-delivery go-to's.  The final shopping trip will pretty much be fresh produce, meat, breads, and dairy, enough to get us through the first few days.  After that, all bets are off and the kids can figure out what they want to do next.

I clear away unnecessary tchotchkes from counters and tables.
We need every spare inch of space we can find.

I save the heavy duty cleaning for after everyone has departed.
My philosophy has morphed into 'why clean twice.'  Yes, the bathroom is scrubbed and the sheets are fresh but any other cleaning comes after the last car has departed.

I let everyone around me roll up their sleeves in the kitchen.
I used to think I had to be in charge of each meal.  No more.  Everyone around here is a whole lot more capable than I am.  I let them do their thing.  And no one arrives at the door empty-handed.  I'm not that gracious.

I find pockets of solitude in the midst of it all.
I'll sneak away for a little quiet time.  Or head to my room for a bit of an afternoon breather.  No one needs to have me around every second.  I've yet to hear, 'where's Grandma, I miss her so much.'

I leave myself plenty of quiet space after.
My husband and I join forces for a huge cleaning marathon when all is done.  The kitchen, laundry, floors, and bathrooms get attacked with all our might.  Before the last car is 'round the corner.

And then we nap.  Sit and quietly process all the joy and madness.  And then nap some more.

💌

But {of course} my sister completely disagrees:
I get ready for family gatherings totally opposite than my sister. 

My calendar is not cleared, it is packed with activity until the last minute, otherwise I will find I have those "forgotten" things to do while people are here or I am at their house. 

I spend days and nights cleaning before a group arrives, so everything is clean.  Once they leave, I wash sheets and towels, but I don't rush to clean anything else - it can wait. 

I agree that everyone can bring food and help set up and clean up.  They have more energy than me anyway! 

I don't take alone time when everyone is here.  I don't want to miss one minute.  It is noisy, at times chaotic, but I will catch Linda's eye across the room and we smile, happy to have everyone together, remembering past reunions and realizing that we are now the older generation.  I look around the room, thank God for everyone there - with all our differences and all our struggles - then I walk into the bathroom, close the door and cry for those family members missing or who are in heaven. 

When I return to the room, I catch Linda's eye and we hug - though so different from each other, we don't need words to understand the meaning of family.

💌

If you're planning any kind of event, enjoy the whole shebang, no matter how you make it happen.  No one will notice the dust bunnies in the corner or cobwebs draped here and there.  And if they do, well that's another story.  Relax, be a kid again, and create fresh memories.  For these are the good old days.
Linda

Porch #93 * I Think Our Families Need Our Prayers

 THE PORCH
A CHRIST-CENTERED
WEEKEND NEWSLETTER
*
gentle conversation & calming snapshots
uplifting linkage & occasional surprises
for those who delight in doing life
in the company of kindred spirits


Happy end of May to you and yours!

I hear that 42 million Americans are planning to travel 50 miles or more this weekend.  If that's you, I hope you're safe and sound, surrounded by ones you love, and that this respite will recharge your batteries and give you fresh perspective.

And ready you for the madness that we call the month of June.

I've been on a bit of a digital cleanout in recent weeks.  I've deleted thousands of emails, unsubscribed from all kinds of inbox chatter, and am in the final stretch of updating my email address on dozens and dozens of websites.

Tonight finds me sifting through posts from back in the day.  Here's a little something from 2015 and eight years later, I find it fascinating that every line continues to ring true.  I'm guessing you may be nodding your head in agreement.

So yes, I think know our families need our prayers.  Not our tiresome advice, worn-out opinions, or useless hand-wringing.  Just our faithful connection with the Lover of their souls on their behalf.

Thank You, Lord, for the movement of the seasons.

Always going forward.
  
I can't wait to see what You're going to do. 

I sit back with eyes wide open, faith strong and solid, 
 sometimes tinged with fear, those whiffs of anxiety coming to call.
Yet still ringed with joy.
  
For You are good, You answer prayer, 
You care about those I love and our endless neediness.

So, I give You this day, these last days of May, the unfolding future.
 I release my fears and concerns and all those I love into Your keeping.

For, if it is possible, You love them even more than I, 
and You have all power to affect change in their lives,
 to give wisdom and courage and direction,
to bring healing in all the ways that matter. 

You understand the need for hope and faith multiplied.

Where would we go without Jesus?
Who would we be without You, Lord?

These questions have no imaginable answers.

None.

May these final days of May fill you with a sweet kind of anticipation.  May you know boundless peace in uncertainty, a higher love without limits, and more sunny days than you dreamed possible.

Meanwhile, how can we pray for your family?  Please feel free to share your requests ... with no names or specific details.
Linda

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No One Has a Crystal Ball

'We will no longer be immature like children.  We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching.  We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth.  

Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. 

He makes the whole body fit together perfectly.  As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.'
Ephesians 4:14-16 

No one has a crystal ball.

I've been known to say that here and there along the way.  And none of my audiences burst into great big rounds of applause.  

Some of us humans think that those around us should just intuitively know what we feel, want, or need and automatically respond in kind.  But more often than not, that's not reality.  We get all hurt and frustrated, think the absolute worst of those closest to us, and our disappointment bursts into bouts of anger, accusations, and hurtful words that can never be retrieved.

Or we resort to a variety of passive aggressive tactics as we pout or dole out the silent treatment to an audience whose energy has already been drained by yet another manipulative performance.

Or we finally tuck it all inside, bury it deep, and morph into victims as we slowly sink into the mire of despair and depression.

And who has time for that. 

'Cause this does nothing to build any kind of long-lasting trust or strengthen a relationship or truly invite anyone to come alongside us in a time of need.

*

A safe person doesn't have a crystal ball.

But they will invite you to speak truth to them ... with love, respect, and kindness.  A safe person will want the best for you.  They might ask you hard questions, but they'll be spoken in a Christ-like spirit.  They won't condemn you, preach at you, or shame you.  They will want to know you at a deeper level.  They will want to love you well.

A safe person will invite you to get 'healthy and growing and full of love.'
Linda

Read more ...
I Sent This Note to My People This Week

I8 Marriage Pitfalls to Avoid Like the Plague

The Drama Queen

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Porch #80 * Tell . Write . Listen

  PORCH
a soft place to land
a calm weekend haven
a gentle pause from life's busyness
so we may experience
the tender lovingkindness of Jesus
as we do life together
in community

Hey, it's good to be back together again.

Are you a story teller?  A story writer?  A story listener?

Right off the top I'll tell you that I'm not a story teller.  I can't remember details, my timing is off, I miss the point, I won't leave you hysterically rolling on the floor.   A completely unmemorable event.

I'm not a story writer either.  Here and there I've given it a whirl, usually with some kind of a devotional twist.  But after my third refusal from (in)courage some years back, I tossed that whole idea aside.  And I definitely had no interest in even dreaming of publishing anything even though a few kind-intentioned people encouraged me to go in that direction.

What were they thinking?

But all is not lost because I've come to accept that God's shaped me to be a listener.  Professionally, yes, but also simply as a human person.  It's a humbling honor to hold space for the heart of another, especially when it's tender and broken.  And even after all these years, I'm still in learning mode.

Listening is an art that doesn't come naturally to most of us.  We're usually too busy figuring out how to respond, how to fix, how to draw attention to our brilliant advice or witty repartee.  Our eyes glance at the clock or around the room, we fidget, our body language shouting that we are absorbed in ourselves and not at all present to the person in front of us.  

And they know it.

But I still believe that this is a priceless gift to pursue, cultivate, and refine.

The bottom line is that most human beings deeply desire to be acknowledged, heard, valued.  More than ever, most of us are yearning to have someone create a quiet space that allows us to be seen.  To have the reality of our thoughts and emotions validated.  To hold out grace and kindness and hope toward us without judgement or pat answers or some kind of hidden agenda.  

To let us know we're not alone. 

I love that we serve the One who's not only written our life stories but also already knows when the final curtain is going to fall.  Nothing shocks or shakes Him.  No one, but no one, listens attentively like Jesus.  He truly understands our ins and outs, ups and downs, twists and turns.  Because He's been here, done that.  Without a taint of sin or shame.

These 3 powerful stories grabbed me this week ...   
'Heather had a way of crossing barriers and offering unbiased love to those who often had suffered the lack of enduring love before ...' 

'Please be sure that people know that I never lost a battle with cancer.  God was always in control, not the cancer.' 

Philip Yancey's Diagnosis
'
A measure of shame seems to accompany disability.  There is an innate shame in inconveniencing others for something that is neither your fault nor your desire.  And a shame in having well-meaning friends overreact: some may treat you like a fragile antique, or complete your sentences when you pause a second to think of a word.'

Beth Moore's Childhood
'You know that there’s infidelity.  You know that there has been abuse ... those years were maniacal ... Looking to your mother and thinking she can’t take care of me, looking to your father and thinking you are the scariest thing in my life.  And what happens to us now?  It really was terrifying.'
(content warning: sexual abuse, mental illness)


EXPLORE MORE
Adam McHugh

Philip Yancey

Beth Moore

*
Stephen Ministries
 provide high-quality, one-to-one, 
Christ-centered care to people 
experiencing life difficulties
(hint - listening is key)

May our attentive spirits give space for another's stories this weekend ~
Linda
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Porch #78 * What's Your Love Language?

 PORCH
a soft place to land
a calm weekend haven
a gentle pause from life's busyness
so we may experience
the tender lovingkindness of Jesus
as we do life together
in community

image

Hey All,

Here we are with Valentine's Day looming over the horizon.  Young or old, single or married, this is a day you'll dread, shrug off, or look forward to.  No matter where you're coming from, I hope you'll sense a spirit of warmth, acceptance, and community here.  And that maybe you'll find something that will speak to your heart, especially if it's worn or tattered or downright broken.

When it comes to building healthy relationships, Dr. Gary Chapman is the man, the creator of the five love languages.  A well known Christian author and counselor, his work has impacted faith, psychology, and culture worldwide for decades. 

Here we go.

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Seldom do a husband and wife have 

the same primary emotional love language.  

We tend to speak our primary love language, 

and we become confused when our spouse 

does not understand what we are communicating.  

We are expressing our love, but the message 

does not come through because we are speaking 

what, to them, is a foreign language. 


Ignoring our partner's love language 

is like ignoring the needs of a garden: 

if we don't weed, water, or fertilize, 

it will die a slow death.
Dr. Gary Chapman

click here for the app, quizzes, resources, events, podcasts
&
click here to check out a variety of books
(singles, teens, kids, men, couples, devotionals, Bibles,
alzheimers, apologies, conflicts)


Random thoughts ... 


*  Love languages aren't just for couples or grown ups.  They're for any of us who do life in the company of others.  This kind of emotional intelligence impacts how we parent and grandparent.  There are lessons into how we more appropriately could do ministry and effectively relate to others in general.  

*  It's far too easy when a loved one shares their love language to say 'well, that's not who I am' and refuse to do the work it takes to learn to love that person in ways that are meaningful to them.  That attitude is a cop out that tells them you don't see the relationship important enough for you to go there.  This is a message you really don't want to send.  

*  It's not about how convenient or comfortable it is for you, it's about building up and encouraging the ones you love in ways that will be especially meaningful for them.  And if we're Christ-followers, He gives us everything we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3).  So we have no excuses.

*  If our parents didn't understand or speak our love language, does it make us hungrier for that language later in life?

*  Social media types, bloggers, online influencers - are we unknowingly searching for words of affirmation with our emphasis on likes and shares, followers and comments?

*  If we can't find the soul level affection we're craving, how can that propel us to discover that treasure in relationship with Christ? 

*  I'm shooting a text to my extended family members.  I want to find out what their primary love languages are.  Shame on me for not already knowing.  The results?
acts of service

physical touch
✅✅✅

quality time 
✅✅

words of affirmation
✅✅✅✅

swedish fish/twizzlers

i don't know
 
💘

Of flowers, chocolates, and relationships
on Valentine's Day

Here's 7 Ways You Can
Show More Respect at Home

63 Love Notes

💘

There will never be words to describe
His overwhelming, never-ending love


Let's talk about your experiences with love languages ~
Linda 
💘

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How Can I Ever Forgive Myself?

When it comes to graciously extending forgiveness, the hardest person to forgive is often is the one in the mirror.  For sinful choices or stupid decisions or outright betrayal.  It could have been yesterday afternoon ... or decades back.  So if the topic seems overwhelming or like an unattainable goal, please let me say that you're not the only one wrestling with what this looks like.  

You're in good company.  

Let's talk.

image creator

Who would have guessed that forgiving ourselves would be such a seemingly impossible decision? 

Blame it on the enemy of our souls. 

If you've done the Christian life for any length of time, it's no big surprise to you that the master deceiver prowls around like the ferocious evil beast he is.  

He whispers or shouts, hissing in the most evil tones.  His insidious lies weigh us down, immobilize us, and keep us stuck in a pit that seems to suck us deeper and deeper into self-condemnation and loathing.  Looking to push our buttons, trip us up, eat us alive, his goal is to render us useless for the victorious kingdom life we've been called to live.  

After awhile of this decidedly deceptive brainwashing, we're all too prone to believe him.

We get lost in the ugly mire of woulda / coulda / shoulda's, defining ourselves by everything negative we've ever said or done instead of defining ourselves by our Savior.  We become great big losers in our own eyes, hopelessly fixated on our past screw-ups, weighed down by our accumulation of cumbersome baggage ... instead of focusing on the One who paid the priceless penalty for all our sin.

Believe it or not, there's some twisted payoff in staying stuck in this graceless mire.  At least it's familiar territory.  It might be a lousy place to live but somehow, in a weird way, it slowly but surely has begun to feel like home.  An incredibly dysfunctional one that ends up holding us hostage.

'Cause who am I if I'm not defined by all my sins and shame?  What would my life look like if I drew a line in the sand and said 'enough is enough, I'm done with this.' 

🍯

If we look in the mirror and see a perpetual loser or a masked failure, we have not accepted the forgiveness God has offered us.  The more in love we are with Him, the quicker we'll be able to discern when the Spirit is clearly putting His powerful finger on specific sins in our lives.  And those are the times we need to own our stuff.  

Experience the remorse, confessing every detail of the choices we've made to the One who longs to see us unshackled.  

Ask for and receive the desperately yearned for forgiveness.  

Claim our identity in Christ.  Believe who He says we are.  Redeemed.  Precious.  Beloved.  Priceless.  Forgiven.

Forgive ourselves.

And then move forward in freedom to all He has for us to be, to do.

How much time and energy have we wasted wringing our hands and beating ourselves up?  What opportunities have we missed because we were looking backward instead of upward?

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 
1 John 1:9

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
2 Corinthians 5:17

Jesus said, If you hold to my teaching, you really are my disciples.  Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.  So if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed.
John 8:31, 32 & 36

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Galatians 5:1

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13

🍯


🍯

printable
- Freedom in Christ Ministries -

🍯


Looking upward, my friends.  He is able.  
Linda

2/24 UPDATE
I've relocated my online home-sweet-home to Grace & Space on Substack.  Please come and visit me there!

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Tim & Linda's Christmas Card

pinterest

Dear friends here and there, old and newer, online and offline ~

It's kind of nice that there's no Christmas Card Police who come knocking on your door if you don't send a proper card in a pretty envelope with a festive stamp on it.  It's also a bit of relief that we can drop by and say 'hi' online, because I doubt I would have gotten everything written and addressed, stamped and mailed this year.

I know you understand.

All that said, we do appreciate the cards and notes and pictures you're sending our way.  And wish we could shrink the miles and live life together again.  Wouldn't that be fun?!  Those were the days.

This has been a tough year and we are grateful for God's mercy in taking Mom home to be with Him at the end of June.  Not a day goes by that we don't think about her, talk about her, miss her.  She's been a huge part of our daily lives since we moved to the Cape and we're just now starting to figure out who we are without her living close by.  Our deep relief that she is not suffering anymore is matched by the empty space that now remains. 

My sister and her husband moved to the Cape in June.  I'm so happy to have her nearby for the first time since we left home all those decades ago.  We're as different as night and day and she'd be the first to admit that we can make each other crazy but when all is said and done, it means the world even just to have her drop in for a cup of tea.  

As you can see, I'm still writing online.  I think this might be post #1901 but who's counting?  I love it.  In all of life's changes and challenges over the years, the rhythm of writing and posting and cultivating community has been a huge gift God has given that has kept me focused and sane, my comfort zone expanded, and my faith deepened.  I'm grateful.

Tim continues with Habitat and has gotten involved with their Deconstruction Team.  People who are remodeling their kitchens are able to donate their 'old' cabinets to the local Habitat ReStore.  The Team goes to donors' houses, remove the cabinets, and then they're sold and the proceeds go to build more homes.  Good stuff.  Beats falling off a ladder and pretending nothing happened.  But that's a story for another day.

Right now, he's building shelves for our little dining area so I can unpack boxes of fun stuff brought from Poughkeepsie 7 1/2 years ago!  He does beautiful work.  After 46 years, he's a keeper for sure.

I've re-found my niche in co-leading a Stephen Ministry at church.  Since I retired from counseling, something had been missing and so it's giving me a lot of joy to train and mentor gifted, kind-hearted volunteers and help match them up with care receivers who need someone to walk with them through a challenging season.  I've found my sweet spot again and am grateful to team up with such godly, compassionate caregivers.  

Our family usually gets together here in June, at Camp of the Woods in August, and then either Thanksgiving or Christmas.  We wish it was a whole lot more, but it is what it is.  We lost much during Covid that we'll never regain, so when we can be together, it really is the hugest blessing.  With sports and classes and missions trips and work and church stuff and hundreds of miles and 12 people coming and going from Massachusetts to Connecticut to Maryland to South Carolina, it's almost impossible to get everyone in one place anymore.  But we try.  And when it finally comes together, it's like a dream come true.



Kristin and family got five chickens a few months ago and it's been fun to watch from afar and hear the stories that only she can tell.  Her reluctant father joined her in designing and building a chicken coop and since then, their family has been gathering eggs every day.  One afternoon a hawk swooped down and tried to fly off with one of her beloved feathered children.  But the winged predator didn't stand a chance as Kristin ran through the yard screaming and waving her arms like a crazy person.  Such is the life of a vigilant mother hen and her occasionally free-ranging babies.




Jenn and family always have something going on at their house ... at any given moment there could be foster children, a few midshipmen from the Naval Academy, assorted friends, roommates, or relatives joining the family 'round their table for a boisterously delicious meal.  Nothing fazes her and their family is known for their hospitality.  When she's not corralling the troops, she's the Nurse Manager for three Crisis Pregnancy Centers and as ever, has risen to the occasion with her superb caring and organizational skills.  But the highlight of any month is when Lydia returns home from college for a visit.




Well, that's the family rundown.  We're looking forward to being together in a few days.  At 12-19 years old, the grandkiddos are growing in their faith and are the most unique and entertaining people (if I say so myself!)  In fact, they're so delightful that after we celebrate on the 25th, Tim and I will quickly be heading out to sea for a week to recover from all the festivities.

If you want to keep in touch, please subscribe right here and I'll have the great pleasure of showing up in your inbox once or twice a week.  I'd love to have you in my life again.  Truly.

And if you know someone who might have known us along the way, please feel free to share this with them.  

Comfort and Joy, 
Tim and Linda