The Gift of Presence

We sat by the fire.  

It's been a long time since he tried to correct me, fix me.  We had learned that it was an exercise of frustration for us both.  It didn't work for either of us.  It did nothing for our relationship.

I slowly began to process all the stuff.  The realities and disappointments of life as we now know it, questions and uncertainties that had been slowly swirling deep inside.

Every once in awhile I'd look from the flickering flames to him.  He was looking right back at me.  Tracking with me.  Hearing me well.

No judgement.  No opinions.  No pontificating. 

I felt validated.  Heard.  Safe to be myself, all kinds of messy, imperfect, and flawed.

Eyes brimming, I gazed back into the flames and slowly continued my verbal processing.  The sweet Holy Spirit was enlightening and comforting.  And as the tears flowed, sorrow and truth and clarity came tumbling out, all freed up.

I looked back at him and his eyes were welling just a bit.  He was nodding, not necessarily in agreement, but in an empathetic understanding that drew our hearts closer together.

This is what we're all yearning for.  The gift of presence.  The companionship of another who's not afraid of what they'll hear.  Not thinking of how they'll respond or looking at their watch or are otherwise preoccupied.

The gift of fully being present to another soul.  It's a rare offering indeed.  You know when you're on the receiving end.  And when you're not.

Do you give this priceless gift?  Have you received it?

From My Heart to Yours ~
Linda 💙

*
sharing with Jeanne/Lisa J & Richella & Lisa

photo by HH E on Unsplash

16 Books to Strengthen Your Marriage

What's an impromptu mini-series on marriage without a whole bunch of books to browse through?  

Here's a small sampling of top-shelf, Christ-centered resources gathered from my office library, years of online excursions, continuing education seminars, and friends like you.  I'm guessing you might find an ideal read that will speak encouragement to your specific marriage challenge.

And yes, if you're like 99% of married couples, you most likely have an area that needs improvement!

I've marked my 3 top picks ... but simply put, they're all five star.  As an Amazon Affiliate, I will receive a small financial perk if you make a purchase using the links.  Thank you very much.

Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair-Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage
- Anderson
'From a woman who strayed to the other side of the marital fence - and returned to find forgiveness and restoration - comes this practical book about predicting and preventing an extramarital affair.'

Broken and Battered: A Way Out for the Abused Woman 

- Canfield
'The life of an abused woman is one of fear, pain, and isolation.  Not only is she victimized by the man she loves, she is often disbelieved and abandoned by friends and family.  Broken emotionally and battered physically, she is left feeling as if there is no way out.  But there is a way out, and this powerfully courageous book leads the way.'

Torn Assunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair 

- Carder
'A resource on marital infidelity for all involved, even onlookers ... it sorts through the factors that contribute to infidelity and then maps out a recovery process for both process.  With compassion and wisdom rooted in the Bible, Carder offers insight for the victims, the perpetrators, and those who seek to help.'

❤   The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts 

- Chapman
'Over 12 million copies sold.  A New York Times bestseller for 10 years running. 49,893 5-star ratings.'  Need I say more?

❤   Boundaries in Marriage 

- Cloud & Townsend
'Learn when to say yes and when to say no -- to your spouse and to others -- to make the most of your marriage.  Only when a husband and wife know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can they give themselves freely and lovingly to one another.'

❤   Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs

- Eggerichs
'Psychological studies affirm it, and the Bible has been saying it for ages. Cracking the communication code between husband and wife involves understanding one thing: that unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her.  It's the secret to marriage that every couple seeks, and yet few couples ever find.'

The Sexually Confident Wife: Connecting with Your Husband Mind, Body, Heart, Spirit

 - Ethridge
'Every woman deserves to enjoy great sex with her husband, without inhibition or shame.  But many wives live with the burden of self-doubt of feel mystified about what men really want in bed.  Others wrestle with memories of sexual abuse or neglect, guilt over past intimate relationships, or negative feelings about their own bodies.  Maybe you've been thinking you were alone in your struggle to discover sexual fulfillment.  Think again.'

Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It 

- Jenkins
'With the divorce rate steadily climbing and infidelity creeping into even the happiest marriages, in a society that trivializes adultery and its devastating effects, with temptation and opportunity coming at you from all directions - how can you keep your marriage from becoming a statistic?'

The Love Dare 

- Kendrick
'The New York Times No. 1 best seller was a major plot device in the popular movie Fireproof ... is a 40-day challenge for husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love.  Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, The Love Dare is a journey you need to take.'

Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed 

- Laaser
'Infidelity doesn't have to ruin your life - or your marriage if you have been devastated by your husband's sexual betrayal - whether an isolated incident or a long-term pattern of addiction - you need to know you don't have to live as a victim.  If you choose to stay in your marriage, you have options other than punishing, tolerating, or ignoring your spouse.'

Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage 

- Leman
'With his characteristic warmth and humor, Dr. Kevin Leman offers a practical guide to sex according to God's plan.  This frank and practical book is a perfect resource for married and engaged couples.  Dr. Leman addresses a wide spectrum of people, from those with no sexual experiences to those with past sexual problems or even abuse.'

The Walk-Out Woman: When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams Are Lost 

- Stephens & Gray
'Every woman longs to be appreciated, respected, and adored, but when her needs aren't met within her marriage, she could be tempted to walk away.  As little hurts and disappointments accumulate and her heart hardens, a woman's loneliness and vulnerability take over, and she might find emotional fulfillment elsewhere, perhaps in even a casual encounter with another man.  When the marriage enters this realm of real danger, the woman believes it will be less painful to walk away than try to work on it.'

Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch in Marriage 

- Strobel
'Someone came between Lee and Leslie Strobel, threatening to shipwreck their marriage.  No, it wasn't an old flame.  It was Jesus Christ.  Leslie's decision to become a follower of Jesus brought heated opposition from her skeptical husband.'

Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

- Thomas
'Happy is good. Holy is better.  Your marriage is more than a sacred covenant with another person.  It is a spiritual discipline designed to help you know God better, trust Him more fully, and love Him more deeply.'

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope 

- Vernick
'You can't put it into words, but something is happening to you.  Your stomach churns, your heart aches, and the tension in your marriage is making you feel weary and a little crazy.  The constant criticism, disrespect, cruelty, deceit, and gross indifference are eroding your confidence and breaking your spirit.  For any woman caught in an emotionally destructive marriage, Leslie Vernick offers a personalized path forward.'

Beloved Unbeliever: Loving Your Husband Into the Faith

- Berry

'The whole time you're hoping God will change your spouse, you begin to realize he's been wanting to change you, too!  This book will give you more compassion for your spouse and encouragement to make it across the finish line.'

❤

A well-chosen book {or 2 or 3} is a meaningful wedding shower or marriage gift, wrapped up all pretty in a beautiful basket with some other goodies tucked alongside ... fun his and her reading lights in blue and pink.  Mr. and Mrs. coffee mugs.  Beautiful heirloom bookmarks.  And a little box of Godiva chocolates, of course!

And if you'd be so kind as to share your favorite marriage resources in the comments, well, we'll all be richer for it.

❤  Linda

 IMPROMPTU MARRIAGE MINI-SERIES

#1

8 Marriage Pitfalls to Avoid Like the Plague

#2

Are You Safe For Your Spouse?

#3

16 Books to Strengthen Your Marriage

❤

 - Email Readers - 

share buttons are on the bottom of

of each post on LindaStoll.net

❤

Mother's Day on the Porch  >>

❤

visiting these bloggers 

Jeanne  *  Richella  *  Lisa  *  Anne

❤

image from Pexels

Are You Safe For Your Spouse?

Welcome back to our impromptu marriage mini-series!  

Springing from the celebration of my own 45 years of wedded bliss {smile}, I'm prowling yet again through the vault and digging out some pieces that I'm eager to share with you. 

Last week we launched the series with 8 Marriage Pitfalls to Avoid Like the Plague.  If you missed it, now would be the perfect time to check it out.

This week I'm putting a crucial question on the table.  Are you safe for your spouse?  

We all need a soft place to fall, a secure arena where we're fully accepted and appreciated for who we truly are.  Our heart's desire, male or female, is to be held, to be cherished, to be heard, to be safe.  

To be loved well.  

And marriage is the optimum place to have trust flourish by having these needs tenderly nurtured and faithfully tended to.  Bonus: chances are if you extend this lovely grace, it will, in some measure, return to you.

BTW, this issue of emotional safety not only concerns marriage.  When all is said and done, it applies to all the relationships in our lives.

The goal is not perfection.  It's about faithfully aiming to be more Christlike in how we communicate love, commitment, and grace.

{I am using the word *him* to avoid the awkward *him/her/they*}

1.  You are fully present.

When you discern that he'd really like to connect, you step away from your screens or your endless to-do list.  You build trust by being still as he speaks, looking straight at him, gently tracking and listening closely not only to his words but the underlying cry of his heart.

2.  You do not butt in.

You refuse to throw your two cents in every time he takes a breath, instead giving him the quiet gift of listening well, giving him full permission to be a verbal processor as he sorts through what's on his heaping plate.

3.  You are non-judgmental.

You are grace-filled and don't minimize or brush off his concerns.  You don't morph into judge and jury at the first opportunity.

4.  You don't lecture.

You don't preach, lob Scripture at him, or toss pat answers his way.  You discern when to offer words of encouragement or direction, and ask permission before going there.

5.  You are respectful.

You don't put him down ... to his face or behind his back.  You refuse to make jokes at his expense, use your kids as weapons against him, or chat with others about his idiosyncrasies or flaws.

6.  You refrain from sharing deep intimacies with bystanders.
You show respect for the sacredness of your marriage by keeping your most intimate marital experiences {emotional, conversational, sexual, spiritual} as your own private treasure.  This would include social media, prayer requests at Bible Study, and random conversations with outsiders. 

7.  You set the tone for kindness and respect by quickly owning your slip-ups, asking for forgiveness, and making amends.

No dancing around, no excuses, no stalling, no shirking your responsibility to do so.

*

Encourage one another
and build one another up.

1 Thessalonians 5:11

*

Still learning to love well ~

Linda

 IMPROMPTU MARRIAGE MINI-SERIES

#1

8 Marriage Pitfalls to Avoid Like the Plague

#2

Are You Safe For Your Spouse?

#3

16 Books to Strengthen Your Marriage

❤

P.S. #1

Click here for relationship expert Leslie Vernick's clear-cut guidance on what constitutes physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, financial and spiritual abuse.  And you can find help at The National Domestic Violence Hotline here.

P.S. #2

Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss a single, impromptu post!

P.S. #3

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you know some married people, yes?  If there's anything of value here, please do share with your social media fans and followers.  

P.S. #4

I'm linking up this mini-series with Jeanne, Richella, and Lisa.  Please be sure to visit them ... and tell them Linda sent you.

<<  4 Serendipitous Somethings

On the Porch & In the Garden & Sharing the Love  >>

8 Marriage Pitfalls to Avoid Like the Plague

Tim and I celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago. 

I find it impossible to believe it's been that long since we said 'I do.'  What a ride it's been ... the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, with God incredibly strong and kind and gracious through it all.

{And yes, I was a child bride!}

I prowled around the dusty archives, found this piece written 5 years ago, and tweaked it a bit.  And while I believe these truths are still valid, I'll be the first to tell you that neither of us has arrived.  

We love each other at a deeper level than we ever imagined all those decades ago.  Our faith in Christ is our firm foundation, our values fully align, we have quite a history together, and our children and grandchildren are the most delightful blessing in our lives.  

Yet we are still lifelong students in the process of learning to love each other well ... especially because our personalities, interests, giftedness, and love languages are so very different.

{And, BTW, if anyone tells you their marriage is the best it can be, run the other way.}

Here we go ...

Potential pitfalls in a relationship are countless and plentiful.  Too often, these sometimes ghastly occurrences emerge as no big surprise.  Truth be told, we may have glimpsed the writing on the wall, but were somehow unready, unwilling, or unable to wisely deal with attitudes or behaviors {our own or our spouse's} that ranged from mildly irritating to downright abusive.  

You know, those ongoing choices that have proven to be unhealthy or perhaps even dangerous to the emotional, physical, or spiritual well-being of our marriages.

{What constitutes abuse?  Click here for relationship expert Leslie Vernick's clear-cut guidance on what constitutes physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, financial and spiritual abuse.  And you can find help at The National Domestic Violence Hotline here.}

But we're not talking abuse today. 

Instead, we're focusing on marriage's irritating, foolish snares.  When all is said and done, these pitfalls ultimately emerge as spiritual issues, because no one loves to fan the flames of inappropriate, subtly destructive behavior more than the enemy of our souls who most certainly hates any loving, loyal, compassionate commitment.  

Especially one that claims to be Christ-centered and empowered {Philippians 4:13}.

On the table?  8 marriage bugaboos to be aware of ...

1. Thinking your spouse has a crystal ball.
For years I figured that my husband should just instinctively KNOW my deepest desires and all my hopes and dreams.  Truth is, he didn't have a clue.

Along the way, I discovered that the love of my life was not a mind reader, and if I wanted him to know all about my quirky intricacies, I was going to have to tell him.  And do so with respect, during times of peace, not when my hair was standing on end with frustration.

2. Wanting to be right instead of wanting to be content.
Some spouses are so busy fighting for their rights, fighting to be heard, fighting to win the next argument, or fighting to come out on top that they don't realize that all these futile debates do is produce a lose/lose outcome.  No one emerges as a winner ... and the very-much-aware children end up as the biggest losers of all.

Choose your battles wisely.  Is this worth going to the mat for?  Does it draw you closer to God?  Probably not.

3. Believing that you're the Holy Spirit.
One of the things that the Spirit does so beautifully is convict {John 16:8-10}.  If we are endlessly haranguing our spouse about diet, smoking, finances, in-laws, health, leadership, parenting, church attendance, ad nauseam, we are treading on ground that we don't own.  Learn the art of speaking the truth in love with respect.  After bringing up the topic no more than 2 or 3 times, drop it.

Allow natural consequences to kick in.  And use the energy that you were burning up to converse with God about what's bugging you.  And watch His power kick into gear.

4. Entertaining at your spouse's expense.
Few things are more embarrassing than seeing one spouse constantly correcting the other or making tasteless remarks and insensitive, stupid jokes at the other's expense.  The emotionally abused spouse feels ends up feeling like two cents.  And this craving to be in the spotlight only reflects the big mouth's own neediness and lack of self-esteem, and they end up looking petty and small themselves.

If this is you, please clam up.

5. Demanding that your spouse will meet all your needs.
Let each other off the hook on this one.  Does he get catatonic at the thought of an all-day shopping marathon?  Do her eyes glaze over at the prospect of watching back to back to back games on TV?  There are some needs that can only be met by a same-sex friend or other family members.  Or the rewards that creative work or an interesting hobby can offer.

But ultimately, only the Lover of our souls is ready, willing, and able to meet the deepest, gaping needs that remain unfulfilled in the deepest parts of who we are.

6. Hoping your true colors will remain hidden.
The honeymoon is oh so sweet.  But your true character will most likely show up as you have children.  Or are unable to.  During the myriad of traumas, losses, and crises that will land on your doorstep.  During a pandemic's seemingly endless quarantine.  Or as you age.

Just ask the soul whose spouse has slowly disappeared into the horror of dementia.  Or who pushes a wheelchair.  Applies medication to their life partner's gaping pressure sores.  Cleans out a clogged trach tube.  Or changes their messy Depends.  Faithfully.  Day in and day out.

7.  Assuming your partner appreciates the same love language as you do.

He might hear love through physical touch or acts of service while she craves words of affirmation.  Don't take the easy way out by simply giving your spouse what you yearn for.  Move on out of your well-worn comfort zone and set your mind toward showing love in those ways your spouse longs to experience.

Even if it's a bit awkward and unnatural at first.   Trust me, you'll see your marriage take off like a rocket.

* The Five Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

8. Inviting your family and friends into your personal business.
Do not fall into the trap of sharing your marital problems with family or friends who will quickly get pulled into taking sides in your private drama.  Not only will they take sides, but long after you and your spouse have reconciled and moved ahead, they will forever remember the secrets you shared that should have been yours {and God's} alone.

And their relationship with your spouse will be permanently marred.

Let's talk about what you know to be true about marriage ...

Linda

 IMPROMPTU MARRIAGE MINI-SERIES

#1

8 Marriage Pitfalls to Avoid Like the Plague

#2

Are You Safe For Your Spouse?

#3

16 Books to Strengthen Your Marriage

❤

P.S. #1

I love you, Tim!

P.S. #2

Subscribe here so you don't miss the follow-up post - Are You Safe for Your Spouse? 

*

<<  A Springtime Bookbag

4 Serendipitous Somethings  >>

*

talking marriage with

Richella  .  Lisa  .  Jeanne

*

as an Amazon associate, I may receive a financial

benefit if you buy through the link in #7

In Which I Talk About Our Marriage

He didn't wear his wedding ring for maybe three decades.

He repaired computers for a living.  Was frequently tinkering with something or other under the car, hoping to get a few thousand more miles out of it.  Or creating a random widget or gift or project with one kind of power tool or another down in the workshop.

He didn't want to lose a finger.  And ... maybe even more than that, it just was plain uncomfortable for him to wear.

At first I subtly hinted.  And then not so subtly pouted.  And obnoxiously wheeled and dealed, trying without even a hint of success to get that band of gold back on his finger where it belonged.  I even offered {more than once} to buy my non-jewelry wearing man a chain so he could tote my precious wedding gift around his neck.  What was I thinking?

That was so not going to happen.

Over time ... click here to read the rest of the story at Cheryl's place

Linda

P.S.
Coming up next on the blog?  The Bookbag, where we'll all be comparing notes on our favorite Christian fiction selections!  Be sure to subscribe before you leave!

<<  Loose Ends * Out of Commission Edition

The Bookbag * Christian Fiction &
Bookish Puzzles & Link Love  >>

*

you'll find me linking up with 

Mary & Lisa 

*

adapted

7 Ways You Can Show More Respect At Home

I've got a huge thing with disrespect.

I've made my peace with the personal and professional situations that have made this such a bugaboo for me.  But I must confess that it grinds my gears when I see another soul treated unkindly.  In the workplace, in the political realm, in the church, the schoolyard, wherever.

And how sad that families who claim to love each other deeply can be so incredibly disrespectful of each other in their own homes ... sometimes blatantly, often more subtly, passive aggressively.

I'm in no way giving myself a pass on this one.

For while we might be delightful and sweet as pie to those we rub shoulders outside our four walls, it's just too easy to take out our weariness, discouragements, disappointments, and frustrations on those we love most.  Instead of choosing to speak what's true with love and respect, we're prone to be impatient.  Maybe a bit snarky and snide.  Rude.  Critical.  And sometimes just plain unkind.

This is hardly a compelling invitation to deeper relationship.

'Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered' 
{1 Corinthians 13:4 - 5}.

We all need a safe place to fall, a secure arena where we're fully accepted and appreciated for who we truly are.  In a world gone mad with disrespect, our dwellings should be havens of kindness where all who call those four walls 'home' ... spouses, children, parents, siblings, in-laws, friends ... find themselves loved, cherished, heard, safe.

And respected. 

So what might this look like?
{I am using the word *him* to avoid the awkward *him/her/they*}

1.  You are fully present.

When you discern that he'd really like to connect, you step away from your screens or your endless to-do list.  You build trust by being still as he speaks, looking straight at him, gently tracking and listening closely not only to his words but the underlying cry of his heart.

2.  You do not butt in.

You refuse to throw your two cents in every time he takes a breath, instead giving him the quiet gift of listening well, giving him full permission to be a verbal processor as he sorts through what's on his heaping plate.

3.  You are non-judgmental.

You are grace-filled and don't minimize or brush off his concerns.  You don't morph into judge and jury at the first opportunity.

4.  You don't lecture.

You don't preach, lob Scripture at him, or toss pat answers his way.  You discern when to offer words of encouragement or direction, and ask permission before going there.

5.  You don't use humor as a weapon.

You don't put him down ... to his face or behind his back.  You refuse to make jokes at his expense or use his idiosyncrasies and frailties as conversation starters with others.

6.  You refrain from sharing details of personal stories with others unless you've been given permission.
This would include the world of social media, prayer requests at Bible Study, and random conversations with friends. 

7.  You set the tone for kindness and respect by quickly owning your slip-ups, asking for forgiveness, and making amends.

What would you add to this list?

P.S. #1  

I'm not talking about domestic abuse in this post.  If you're not sure what domestic abuse is, click here to go to The National Domestic Abuse Hotline.  Their number is 1.800.799.7233.

P.S. #2

Visit Leslie Vernick's exceptional website for wise 'relationship truth unfiltered.'  She also has a site dedicated to training pastors, church leaders, and counselors on issues of abuse right here.  Her books The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and The Emotionally Destructive Marriage are must-haves on the bookshelves of every people helper.

A Splendid Book-Nudge for Couples

Technology's seeped into every nook and cranny of our lives, hasn't it.  Truth be told, most of us would agree that it hasn't done our closest relationships any favors.  

Here's how one couple has redeemed their screen time, melding technology with some good reads ... and a cozy intimacy.

Janet writes ~
I enjoyed your recent blog about books you are reading and was wondering if you and Tim ever read books together.  My husband and I enjoy reading books on his Kindle ... he reads his Kindle while it reads out loud and I follow along on my Ipad.

Does that make sense?

Anyway we are always looking for books we would both enjoy and I didn't know if reading was something that you and Tim did together or not.

Linda responds ~
I love how you read with each other!  Your story's a perfect example of how technology can bring a couple together.  I love this.

We don't do alot of reading together, although recent days have found us side by side in our chairs at the fireplace, each of us with our nose in some kind of reading material.

It's quiet and cozy and kind of intimate.

Anyway, if you'd share some of the books you've read together, I'd be most interested ... and would love sharing your list, too!

Janet recommends ~
These are the books we have read together -

You & Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity
- Francis & Lisa Chan

Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God
- Francis Chan

You'll Get Through This: Hope and Help for Your Turbulent Times
- Max Lucado

Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream
- David Platt

Not a Fan: Becoming a Completely Committed Follower of Jesus
- Kyle Idleman

Wounded Warrior, Wounded Home: Hope & Healing for Families Living w/PTSD & TBI
- Marshele Carter

The Insanity of God: A True Story of Faith Resurrected
- Nik Ripken

doing any reading out loud with your loved ones?

do tell ...

<<  On Toes & Eggshells & Hen's Teeth ...

On Dormant Ground  >>

*

sharing Janet's story with

Beth & Holley & Anne & Brenda

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you absolutely make my day

 when you share & subscribe

{smile}

In Which I Give My Husband the Last Word . . . & the Giveaway Winner is Announced!

I can think of no finer way to wrap up this Marriage Mini-Series than to have my husband put his 2 cents on the table.  Some people think he's opinionated, and that could be said, I guess.  But I've come to rely on him as a hard working, servant-hearted man of God ... with a tender, compassionate soul tucked beneath a wealth of common sense and solid wisdom.

To say that I'm grateful for the gift of who God's shaped him to be would be a ridiculously vast understatement.

I'm forever in love.

What could the other 1/2 of Linda, this guest writer, possibly have to say about marriage?  Probably nothing that has not been said before, though after celebrating 40 years of marriage on April 3rd, it seems there must be something to say.

I've kind of put this off for the month even though from time to time I was nudged.  Sure I had my excuses, what spouse doesn't?  Writing is not my strong point, in fact it's far from it.  But look what I've achieved here.  4 sentences and I have said absolutely nothing.

I have, though, over the month been thinking about what I'd write so here comes 2 observations after 40 years of marriage.

First,  I've learned to believe most things in life have a way of working themselves out.

We tend to get in the way, though.  Sometimes you do have to, but I'd bet 80% of the time most things just work themselves out fine without our extra hoopla or the great rodeos we like to create.

So about all we do with our overactive engagement is mess things up that will naturally happen anyway.

I will grant you for those 20%, engaging at full force is necessary.  If you can figure out which 80% to leave alone and which 20% to aggressively engage in, well you are better than me, so obviously this is a constant work in progress.

Second,  in the grand scheme of life, does it really matter?

Sure there are things in life we are passionate about, but everything can't have that same level of importance.  So like I could care little about what color flowers to plant, but woe to you if you put my hammer back in the wrong place.  Ok, a bit extreme in both cases but maybe it makes the point.

Many things can be answered by, 'ok, sounds fine.'

So maybe pick one or two things to be passionate about and let the rest go.

I'd like to say that after 40 years I got it all down, but the fact is, short of heaven, nothing is going to be perfect.

On a personal note {assuming Linda still allows me the floor}, I recognized years ago the Lord's calling on Linda to minister to people through conversations, counseling, coaching, and writing.  She is faithful not only to me, but to each of you.

So as in our marriage she wants the best for us, she wants equally the same for you.

Tim

*

And the winner of the $40 Amazon Gift card is ... 

Christine Malkemes

@

A Yielded Heart

Congratulations!

*

INDEX

A Marriage Mini-Series

In Which He Refused to Wear His Wedding Ring

6 Ways to Be Safe for Your Spouse

On Being Intimate

7 Marriage Pitfalls to Avoid Like the Plague

What's It Like Being Married To You?

Scads of Marriage Resources

The Keen Satisfaction of Keeping a Reading Journal
+ 3 Book Recommendations  >

*

celebrating with
Kelly  .  Beth  .  Holley

Scads of Marriage Resources ~ and the $40 Giveaway!

As we draw to the end of this little Marriage Mini-Series, I'm happy to present a sampling of what I believe are top-shelf resources gathered from my office library, years of online excursions, and continuing education seminars.  I hope you'll find the ideal books and websites to meet your needs.  Simply click on the red links to discover more.

Please be sure to share these goodies with your Facebook and Twitter friends and bookmark these findings for your own future use.  And if you'd be so kind as to share your favorite marriage resources in the comments, well, we'll all be richer for it.

And remember, each comment you leave during this series puts you in the running for that $40 Amazon gift card ... {the grand giveaway finale will be the next post up!}

BOOKS

Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair-Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage - Anderson
'From a woman who strayed to the other side of the marital fence - and returned to find forgiveness and restoration - comes this practical book about predicting and preventing an extramarital affair.'

Broken and Battered: A Way Out for the Abused Woman - Canfield
'The life of an abused woman is one of fear, pain, and isolation.  Not only is she vicitimized by the man she loves, she is often disbelieved and abandoned by friends and family.  Broken emotionally and battered physically, she is left feeling as if there is no way out.  But there is a way out, and this powerfully courageous book leads the way.'

Torn Assunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair - Carder
'A resource on marital infidelity for all involved, even onlookers ... it sorts through the factors that contribute to infidelity and then maps out a recovery process for both process.  With compassion and wisdom rooted in the Bible, Carder offers insight for the victims, the perpetrators, and those who seek to help.'

The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts - Chapman
'Whether your relationship is flourishing or failing, Dr. Gary Chapman's proven approach to showing and receiving love will help you experience deeper and richer level of intimacy with your partner.'

Boundaries in Marriage - Cloud & Townsend
'Learn when to say yes and when to say no -- to your spouse and to others -- to make the most of your marriage.  Only when a husband and wife know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can they give themselves freely and lovingly to one another.'

Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs - Eggerichs
'Psychological studies affirm it, and the Bible has been saying it for ages. Cracking the communication code between husband and wife involves understanding one thing: that unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her.  It's the secret to marriage that every couple seeks, and yet few couples ever find.'

The Sexually Confident Wife: Connecting with Your Husband Mind, Body, Heart, Spirit - Ethridge
'Every woman deserves to enjoy great sex with her husband, without inhibition or shame.  But many wives live with the burden of self-doubt of feel mystified about what men really want in bed.  Others wrestle with memories of sexual abuse or neglect, guilt over past intimate relationships, or negative feelings about their own bodies.  Maybe you've been thinking you were alone in your struggle to discover sexual fulfillment.  Think again.'

Fit to Be Tied: Making Marriage Last a Lifetime - Hybels
'Knowing from personal experience that marriage can have its up and downs, Bill and Lynne Hybels avoid quick and easy answers.  They write honestly about marriage from each of their own perspectives and give - ways to court spouses creatively - checklists for singles - frank illustrations - information about family background and temperaments - help for unhealthy behaviors and conflict.'

Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It - Jenkins
'With the divorce rate steadily climbing and infidelity creeping into even the happiest marriages, in a society that trivializes adultery and its devastating effects, with temptation and opportunity coming at you from all directions - how can you keep your marriage from becoming a statistic?'

The Love Dare - Kendrick
'The New York Times No. 1 best seller was a major plot device in the popular movie Fireproof ... is a 40-day challenge for husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love.  Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, The Love Dare is a journey you need to take.'

Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed - Laaser
'Infidelity doesn't have to ruin your life - or your marriage if you have been devastated by your husband's sexual betrayal - whether an isolated incident or a long-term pattern of addiction - you need to know you don't have to live as a victim.  If you choose to stay in your marriage, you have options other than punishing, tolerating, or ignoring your spouse.'

Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage - Leman
'With his characteristic warmth and humor, Dr. Kevin Leman offers a practical guide to sex according to God's plan.  This frank and practical book is a perfect resource for married and engaged couples.  Dr. Leman addresses a wide spectrum of people, from those with no sexual experiences to those with past sexual problems or even abuse.'

The Walk-Out Woman: When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams Are Lost - Stephens & Gray
'Every woman longs to be appreciated, respected, and adored, but when her needs aren't met within her marriage, she could be tempted to walk away.  As little hurts and disappointments accumulate and her heart hardens, a woman's loneliness and vulnerability take over, and she might find emotional fulfillment elsewhere, perhaps in even a casual encounter with another man.  When the marriage enters this realm of real danger, the woman believes it will be less painful to walk away than try to work on it.'

Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch in Marriage - Strobel
'Someone came between Lee and Leslie Strobel, threatening to shipwreck their marriage.  No, it wasn't an old flame.  It was Jesus Christ.  Leslie's decision to become a follower of Jesus brought heated opposition from her skeptical husband.'

Capture Her Heart: Becoming the Godly Husband Your Wife Desires & Capture His Heart: Becoming the Godly Wife Your Husband Desires {2 volumes} - TerKheurst
'A truly fulfilling marriage involves two people focusing on each others' needs rather than their own ... TerKeurst has written a practical guide for each spouse that will open their eyes to the needs, desires, and longings of the other.  She offers 8 essential criteria for capturing the heart of your spouse, with creative tips on how to accomplish them.'

Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? - Thomas
'Happy is good. Holy is better.  Your marriage is more than a sacred covenant with another person.  It is a spiritual discipline designed to help you know God better, trust Him more fully, and love Him more deeply.'

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope - Vernick
'You can't put it into words, but something is happening to you.  Your stomach churns, your heart aches, and the tension in your marriage is making you feel weary and a little crazy.  The constant criticism, disrespect, cruelty, deceit, and gross indifference are eroding your confidence and breaking your spirit.  For any woman caught in an emotionally destructive marriage, Leslie Vernick offers a personalized path forward.'

ONLINE

Andrew Budek-Schmeisser
Andrew is currently writing Your Dying Spouse, a series for caregivers, those with life-threatening illness, and all who care about them.  Real, raw, and honest legacy from one who's going through the valley.

Henry Cloud & John Townsend
Cloud & Townsend are just about the best Christian psychologists out there.  Their superb marriage channel overflows with topical and Q & A videos, offering you counsel that is second to none.

Shannon Ethridge
Shannon writes on healthy sexuality & spirituality.  Intensely personal, practical, and intimate guidance for women, she goes where most Christian writers dare to tread.

Les & Leslie Parrot
The Parrots, both counseling professionals who just happen to be married, offer solid practical counsel served with a light touch.  Be sure to check out their video library, too, for all kinds of marriage related topics.  And their SYMBIS marriage assessment has become the gold standard for counseling couples.  Go here for that.  Good stuff for sure.

Beth Stefaniak
Beth is a coach extraordinaire when it comes to messy marriages.  Her blog posts are substantial and informative, yet truly personal.  You'll walk away with practical tools in your marriage toolbelt ... wiser and more hopeful, too.  I'm delighted to call her my friend.

Leslie Vernick
Leslie is an outstanding counselor, coach, and communicator.  Hers is a voice in the wilderness when it comes to an informed Christian response to abuse and unhealthy relationships.  Her site offers exceptional blog posts and a variety of free resources.

AND FROM YOURS TRULY

>  If you liked What's It Like Being Married to You?, here's the post that started it all ... A Difficult Question.

>  Finding a Christian Counselor guides you in finding a fits-you-to-a-T people helper.

>  A Marriage Potpourri offers 15 more dollops of common sense counsel.

Marriage Mini-Series Index

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<  What's It Like Being Married To You?

In Which I Give My Husband the Last Word ...
& the Giveaway Winner is Announced!  >

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Lyli  .  Anita  .  Kelly  .  Beth  .  Holley