Tim and I celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago.
I find it impossible to believe it's been that long since we said 'I do.' What a ride it's been ... the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, with God incredibly strong and kind and gracious through it all.
{And yes, I was a child bride!}
I prowled around the dusty archives, found this piece written 5 years ago, and tweaked it a bit. And while I believe these truths are still valid, I'll be the first to tell you that neither of us has arrived.
We love each other at a deeper level than we ever imagined all those decades ago. Our faith in Christ is our firm foundation, our values fully align, we have quite a history together, and our children and grandchildren are the most delightful blessing in our lives.
Yet we are still lifelong students in the process of learning to love each other well ... especially because our personalities, interests, giftedness, and love languages are so very different.
{And, BTW, if anyone tells you their marriage is the best it can be, run the other way.}
Here we go ...
Potential pitfalls in a relationship are countless and plentiful. Too often, these sometimes ghastly occurrences emerge as no big surprise. Truth be told, we may have glimpsed the writing on the wall, but were somehow unready, unwilling, or unable to wisely deal with attitudes or behaviors {our own or our spouse's} that ranged from mildly irritating to downright abusive.
You know, those ongoing choices that have proven to be unhealthy or perhaps even dangerous to the emotional, physical, or spiritual well-being of our marriages.
{What constitutes abuse? Click here for relationship expert Leslie Vernick's clear-cut guidance on what constitutes physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, financial and spiritual abuse. And you can find help at The National Domestic Violence Hotline here.}
But we're not talking abuse today.
Instead, we're focusing on marriage's irritating, foolish snares. When all is said and done, these pitfalls ultimately emerge as spiritual issues, because no one loves to fan the flames of inappropriate, subtly destructive behavior more than the enemy of our souls who most certainly hates any loving, loyal, compassionate commitment.
Especially one that claims to be Christ-centered and empowered {Philippians 4:13}.
On the table? 8 marriage bugaboos to be aware of ...
1. Thinking your spouse has a crystal ball.
For years I figured that my husband should just instinctively KNOW my deepest desires and all my hopes and dreams. Truth is, he didn't have a clue.
Along the way, I discovered that the love of my life was not a mind reader, and if I wanted him to know all about my quirky intricacies, I was going to have to tell him. And do so with respect, during times of peace, not when my hair was standing on end with frustration.
2. Wanting to be right instead of wanting to be content.
Some spouses are so busy fighting for their rights, fighting to be heard, fighting to win the next argument, or fighting to come out on top that they don't realize that all these futile debates do is produce a lose/lose outcome. No one emerges as a winner ... and the very-much-aware children end up as the biggest losers of all.
Choose your battles wisely. Is this worth going to the mat for? Does it draw you closer to God? Probably not.
3. Believing that you're the Holy Spirit.
One of the things that the Spirit does so beautifully is convict {John 16:8-10}. If we are endlessly haranguing our spouse about diet, smoking, finances, in-laws, health, leadership, parenting, church attendance, ad nauseam, we are treading on ground that we don't own. Learn the art of speaking the truth in love with respect. After bringing up the topic no more than 2 or 3 times, drop it.
Allow natural consequences to kick in. And use the energy that you were burning up to converse with God about what's bugging you. And watch His power kick into gear.
4. Entertaining at your spouse's expense.
Few things are more embarrassing than seeing one spouse constantly correcting the other or making tasteless remarks and insensitive, stupid jokes at the other's expense. The emotionally abused spouse feels ends up feeling like two cents. And this craving to be in the spotlight only reflects the big mouth's own neediness and lack of self-esteem, and they end up looking petty and small themselves.
If this is you, please clam up.
5. Demanding that your spouse will meet all your needs.
Let each other off the hook on this one. Does he get catatonic at the thought of an all-day shopping marathon? Do her eyes glaze over at the prospect of watching back to back to back games on TV? There are some needs that can only be met by a same-sex friend or other family members. Or the rewards that creative work or an interesting hobby can offer.
But ultimately, only the Lover of our souls is ready, willing, and able to meet the deepest, gaping needs that remain unfulfilled in the deepest parts of who we are.
6. Hoping your true colors will remain hidden.
The honeymoon is oh so sweet. But your true character will most likely show up as you have children. Or are unable to. During the myriad of traumas, losses, and crises that will land on your doorstep. During a pandemic's seemingly endless quarantine. Or as you age.
Just ask the soul whose spouse has slowly disappeared into the horror of dementia. Or who pushes a wheelchair. Applies medication to their life partner's gaping pressure sores. Cleans out a clogged trach tube. Or changes their messy Depends. Faithfully. Day in and day out.
7. Assuming your partner appreciates the same love language as you do.
He might hear love through physical touch or acts of service while she craves words of affirmation. Don't take the easy way out by simply giving your spouse what you yearn for. Move on out of your well-worn comfort zone and set your mind toward showing love in those ways your spouse longs to experience.
Even if it's a bit awkward and unnatural at first. Trust me, you'll see your marriage take off like a rocket.
8. Inviting your family and friends into your personal business.
Do not fall into the trap of sharing your marital problems with family or friends who will quickly get pulled into taking sides in your private drama. Not only will they take sides, but long after you and your spouse have reconciled and moved ahead, they will forever remember the secrets you shared that should have been yours {and God's} alone.
And their relationship with your spouse will be permanently marred.
Let's talk about what you know to be true about marriage ...
Linda
IMPROMPTU MARRIAGE MINI-SERIES
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#2
#3
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P.S. #1
I love you, Tim!
P.S. #2
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Oh how this one hit me between the eyes!! I could write a novel........I just said the other day "we've been together 33 years, you should know this!!" Nope....I shouldn't just assume this. I'm still learning. I love my husband but sometimes I don't like what he does (and I'm sure vice versa). We've come a long long way but we are a work in progress for sure!!!
ReplyDeleteGee, Val, I think I uttered that same phrase not long ago but I replaced your number with '45!' And meanwhile, I'm guessing that my husband was thinking the same thing about me ...
DeleteA work in progress? We've got plenty of company!
I forgot to mention how much I LOVE your picture!! You look beautiful......beach life has turned the clock back for you!!
DeleteOh that's too sweet!
Delete;-}
One more pitfall...
ReplyDeleteWhen you spoke, I knew it was true;
it was something I refused to see,
that I would not suffer you
to give your best of love to me.
I kept a vain and private heart,
shook off affection with a laugh,
played in full the clownish part
that answered on my soul's behalf.
Don't know if this is how I'm made,
or something learned along the way,
but I behold the price you've paid
and hope I live to see the day
that though I've put you at arm's length
I may yet bow to love's full strength.
My eyes welled up at your beautiful offering. I'll admit it. And I know that other readers are doing the same.
DeleteAnd I can only hope that more than a few will be convicted to release their hearts fully to their spouses ...
Congrats on your anniversary, Linda! I love reading wisdom from people further ahead on the road than I am. I treasure your wit and honesty in this post. Shared on Twitter.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing on Twitter, Sarah! I know you are a social media influencer and I welcome your followers and fans here!
DeleteMeanwhile, I'm glad you found a bit of wit and honesty as you read ...
;-}
Congratulations on your 45th anniversary! #4 especially resonated with me. Not that my husband does that, but I see both husbands and wives doing it, and they don't realize how hurtful it is. "I was just teasing" doesn't take away the wound.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, Barbara! Don't you hate that? I cringe when I see this right before my eyes. And then I get really irritated at seeing someone so disrespected instead of affirmed and treasured.
DeleteHappy 45 years together. My hubby and I have been married 48 years and I am still learning and hopefully growing. My husband is sweet and kind, always! I am not, and am always asking for forgiveness. He is patient with me, for which I am so grateful. Thank you Linda!
ReplyDelete48! You go, girl! I'm guessing that you are sweet, kind, and patient as well ... I bet if he was here, he'd agree with me.
Delete;-}
Happy anniversary to you both. My granny used to say that marriage was a lot like a car...you gotta work on it occasionally to keep it running. A lot of truth to her words of wisdom. And yes, we too are still learning and I pray we always do! Hugs and blessings to you dear lady.
ReplyDeleteCindy
I love gathering with fellow learners!
Delete;-}
Well said Linda. Jo and I hit 48 this June. And they said it would never last! Good thing she is so patient. :) This is good advice. Oh yeah, congrats.
ReplyDeleteAnother 48th! Yay! What a beautiful thing you're modeling for your congregation, Bill ...
DeleteYou always give the best advice, Linda. I appreciate your words of wisdom here and will take them to heart. Anyone who has been successfully married as long as you have has earned the right to speak into our lives! :)
ReplyDeleteWell ... like most of the things we pen, this is from our experiences along the way and those I've worked with as a counselor.
DeleteI don't know if I have the right to speak, but I'm grateful for the opportunity to share what I've learned / am still learning. God is good ...
Congratulations on your 45th Anniversary.
ReplyDeleteGreat advice in this post. From experience I think archaeologists make the best marriage partners because the older you get the more interested they are in you.
God bless.
Archaeologists!!!!
DeleteNow THAT'S funny! Maybe a spouse or two will read your words and start a new career ...
Yes Victor that is quite funny.
DeleteWe too were just children when married, and reached the golden anniversary last summer. Couldn't celebrate though because of Covid. So watch out! We just might get wild and crazy and loud this summer when the whole family gathers! You've presented important reminders for us all, Linda, no matter how many years ago the wedding took place. And each piece of advice contributes to a love that grows as long as God grants us earthly life. How glorious is that?
ReplyDelete50!!! You go get wild and crazy and loud with your family, Nancy! This calls for a wonderful celebration with all those you love ...
DeleteAs I read, I was picturing guardrails, both warning and protection! Happy anniversary and thank you for all the ways you serve your readers!
ReplyDeleteMmmm ... guardrails. I just might rename the follow-up post. Spot on, friend!
DeleteCongratulations! My husband's name is Tim too. I love the advice you gave and by the way, you two are so cute together.😊
ReplyDeleteI'm going to go tell him right now what you said!
DeleteMade me smile ...
Congratulations and Happy Anniversary, Linda. My hubby and I will celebrate 43 this year. I think a lot of us were child brides back in the day! I have struggled with # 2 on your list. I have copied a quote from Dr. Wayne Dyer "When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind."I remind myself of that frequently.
ReplyDelete43! Yay! I hope you celebrate with a fabulous run or tournament!
DeleteI hear what you're saying about 'kind,' friend. That word has meant more and more to me after what we've been through in recent years. I would love to see the coarsening of our culture, our politics, our communication turn around.
Only God can make it happen ...
Ahhh, Linda, you bring up great points. My husband informed me early in our relationship that he didn't read minds. We've both worked to communicate clearly to avoid what pitfalls we could. I had a wise friend who told me, "God is your need; your husband is your want." God is the only One who can fill all my needs. Not laying that expectation on my husband to meet all my needs has been a blessing for our marriage.
ReplyDeleteYou've shared great wisdom here, my friend!
You've spelled out the key to a marriage that meets our deepest longings, Jeanne --> 'Not laying that expectation on my husband to meet all my needs has been a blessing for our marriage.'
DeleteAll I can say is amen. It took me a long time to learn this most valuable lesson.
Linda, I will take counsel about marriage from you any day! I'm especially looking forward to the follow-up post--I have a feeling it will hit home in this middle-age season of my own marriage. Happy anniversary to you and Tim ...
ReplyDeleteYou make a good point, Lois, about a middle-age season. I'm guessing we all experience a number of stages ... some come upon us suddenly and others just naturally come to pass.
DeleteAnd like every other marriage, some of our stages haven't been all that good. I'm thankful for the Lord's loving faithfulness that has carried us through.
Where would we be without Jesus ...
Perfect advice, no matter how long we have been married. Nearly 27 years for us!
ReplyDeleteYay! 27!
DeleteAlways something to celebrate ...
Happy anniversary and thanks for sharing your insights. Next year will be my 50. Holy cow,I can't believe it but you have inspired me to be sure to do a reflective post in 2022 on this too. At least I have some time yet. LOL
ReplyDelete50! Wow, Jean! I absolutely understand about not believing where we find ourselves. This season has come oh-so-quickly.
DeleteEnjoy the anticipation of such a huge milestone!!!
SUCH good advice! Happy anniversary to you. We're about to celebrate our 36th, and I can testify to the wisdom of your suggestions.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for joining the Grace at Home party at Imparting Grace. I'm featuring you this week!
Richella, thanks! I'm ready to link up with the 2nd part of this mini-series ... see you in a few.
Delete