Welcome back to our impromptu marriage mini-series!
Springing from the celebration of my own 45 years of wedded bliss {smile}, I'm prowling yet again through the vault and digging out some pieces that I'm eager to share with you.
Last week we launched the series with 8 Marriage Pitfalls to Avoid Like the Plague. If you missed it, now would be the perfect time to check it out.
This week I'm putting a crucial question on the table. Are you safe for your spouse?
We all need a soft place to fall, a secure arena where we're fully accepted and appreciated for who we truly are. Our heart's desire, male or female, is to be held, to be cherished, to be heard, to be safe.
To be loved well.
And marriage is the optimum place to have trust flourish by having these needs tenderly nurtured and faithfully tended to. Bonus: chances are if you extend this lovely grace, it will, in some measure, return to you.
BTW, this issue of emotional safety not only concerns marriage. When all is said and done, it applies to all the relationships in our lives.
The goal is not perfection. It's about faithfully aiming to be more Christlike in how we communicate love, commitment, and grace.
{I am using the word *him* to avoid the awkward *him/her/they*}
1. You are fully present.
When you discern that he'd really like to connect, you step away from your screens or your endless to-do list. You build trust by being still as he speaks, looking straight at him, gently tracking and listening closely not only to his words but the underlying cry of his heart.
2. You do not butt in.
You refuse to throw your two cents in every time he takes a breath, instead giving him the quiet gift of listening well, giving him full permission to be a verbal processor as he sorts through what's on his heaping plate.
3. You are non-judgmental.
You are grace-filled and don't minimize or brush off his concerns. You don't morph into judge and jury at the first opportunity.
4. You don't lecture.
You don't preach, lob Scripture at him, or toss pat answers his way. You discern when to offer words of encouragement or direction, and ask permission before going there.
5. You are respectful.
You don't put him down ... to his face or behind his back. You refuse to make jokes at his expense, use your kids as weapons against him, or chat with others about his idiosyncrasies or flaws.
6. You refrain from sharing deep intimacies with bystanders.
You show respect for the sacredness of your marriage by keeping your most intimate marital experiences {emotional, conversational, sexual, spiritual} as your own private treasure. This would include social media, prayer requests at Bible Study, and random conversations with outsiders.
7. You set the tone for kindness and respect by quickly owning your slip-ups, asking for forgiveness, and making amends.
No dancing around, no excuses, no stalling, no shirking your responsibility to do so.
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Encourage one another
and build one another up.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
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Still learning to love well ~
Linda
IMPROMPTU MARRIAGE MINI-SERIES
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P.S. #1
Click here for relationship expert Leslie Vernick's clear-cut guidance on what constitutes physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, financial and spiritual abuse. And you can find help at The National Domestic Violence Hotline
here.
P.S. #2
P.S. #3
I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you know some married people, yes? If there's anything of value here, please do share with your social media fans and followers.
P.S. #4
I'm linking up this mini-series with
Jeanne,
Richella, and
Lisa. Please be sure to visit them ... and tell them Linda sent you.
Amen, Linda! This is all fantastic advice for living in a loving, caring marriage. Happy 45 to you!
ReplyDeleteI'll be the first to admit I'm still in learning mode!
DeleteI'm not safe for anybody,
ReplyDeleteI risk limb and life
of myself and bosom buddy
and yes, even my wife.
I drive too fast and drink too much,
juggle knives with easy grace,
and use a rifle as a crutch
in a 3-legged race.
But come on over if you'd like,
we'll four-wheel to the trailhead
and then we'll take a nice long hike
through the Valley of the Dead,
and everything will be just fine
('less the mountain lions come to dine).
Mmm ... I'm not quite sure what to say about this, Andrew!
Delete;-}
Well, I haven't been by in a while (been on a short break) and I'm so glad to see you're doing a marriage series. I love all of the points you've made and the one that gets me in trouble is joking about him. I sometimes do it in front of him, when it's inappropriate. And sometimes do it with my friends much to my shame. It's a habit that I need to nip in the bud, Linda! Thanks for this nudge!
ReplyDeleteBeth, it's so very good to see you again after your 'short break.' You're a breath of fresh air, my marriage coach friend!
DeleteYep, I'm just sharing a nudge or two that I'm still working on. It's always good to know I'm not the only one ...
48 years this June. i wish I could say I have been a safe place for Jo all 48. I know I haven't. Been too judgmental about her weight and lack of exercise. Been too open in my conversations by "leading" the conversation where it shouldn't go with innuendos and catty remarks. She has been so patient and so much more unconditional in her love than I had been. I have a lot to make up for. Hopefully the past 47 and 8 months have been better. Just kidding! LOL. I'm praying I am her safe place these days.
ReplyDeleteBill, I admire your honesty and candor. Would that we'd all be as upfront about our goals to love well. Thank you for sharing where you're coming from.
DeleteAnd yes, we all should be praying that we'll be a safe place for those we love ... even when it's inconvenient and not all that comfortable.
Bless you.
To me, this is one of the best parts of marriage, especially after 41 years now--having that safe relationship that you don't quite have to that extant with anyone else. No, we've not been perfect at it, but it's been our desire to provide that safe haven for each other.
ReplyDeleteYou are indeed blessed, Barbara! What a joy to live in this type of Christ-honoring harmony ...
DeleteSo good.
ReplyDeleteI had my good and patient husband’s face in my mind as I reviewed your check list.
That's sweet ...
DeleteLinda, this list is a good check-up for being a safe place for my husband and all other relationships. Thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteYes. I'm thinking of how this kind of living impacts others we care for and rub shoulders with, not just spouses.
DeleteKindness matters.
Such good advice
ReplyDeleteI'm glad!
DeleteI can definitely do better in some of these areas! I appreciate your gentle nudges, Linda. I sense that sometimes my husband doesn't want to tell me things because he knows I won't respond as well as he would like (sometimes that's on me; sometimes that's on him, ha). I'm glad to have another day to do it better!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to have MANY more other days to do it better ... Lord willing!
Delete;-}
This is such important advice, Linda. Thank you. I'm still a student in the progress of learning. :) I love that you also include other relationships. Love this - "The goal is not perfection. It's about faithfully aiming to be more Christlike in how we communicate love, commitment, and grace." May we always spread seeds of love and kindness! Love and blessings to you!
ReplyDeleteIn this season of hate and violence, spreading those seeds of love and kindness can only help. You're right, Trudy.
DeleteWe start at home.
Thank you Linda. I can definitely see some areas I need to work on. I do have a bad habit of speaking before he had finished his sentences which annoys him. Though he doesn't ever say.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it interesting how we know that someone is annoyed even if they don't say a single word about it ...
DeleteIn marriage you need to be able to share your inner-most secrets with your partner. Men are best at keeping secrets because they're never listening anyway.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
Um ... ain't that the truth!?!
Delete;-}
Just dropping by to thank you for the visit. Glad you liked the teacup!
ReplyDeleteYour pretty posts make me smile, Margie ... and yearn for a little tea party with a friend or two!
DeleteMy husband and I have been married long enough (50 years!!) to nod our heads in agreement with every bit of your advice here, Linda. Relationships are so much more enjoyable and fulfilling when we're loving each other in these ways. Thank you for the Cliff Notes refresher course!
ReplyDeleteCliff Notes ...
Delete;-)
Congrats on 45 Linda!! I really appreciate the insight you gave here :)
ReplyDeleteGlad you've joined us!
DeleteSome days I am safe. Some days ... not so much. But I am still learning and for that I am most grateful to our God and to my husband!
ReplyDeletePerfectly spoken, Joanne ... 'Some days ... not so much.'
Delete;-}
I've learned to ask what my hubby needs--a listening ear? advice? He's learning to do the same for me :).
ReplyDeleteI love that, Anita ... asking instead of assuming. I bet we might be surprised at what we'd hear if we listened better instead of trying to make our voices heard!
DeleteThanks for that super helpful nudge ...