Close to midnight, I was sitting on the floor of our little sitting room {a.k.a. the girls' room}, pawing through the last of three dusty under-the-bed plastic storage boxes, sifting through mounds of greeting cards, junky jewelry, ancient letters and clippings, disintegrating corsages, pictures of unknown folk, an ancestor's decomposing miniature suede-bound books, and all manner of forgotten keepsakes that begged to be dealt with once and for all.
Nestled in the jumble of fading memorabilia was a Focus on the Family magazine from February 2008 in which I contributed to a sidebar discussion, Leaving the Past Behind. It was a nostalgic few minutes as I headed back down memory lane, scanning the once familiar words ... and realizing, wonder of wonders, that I'd most likely offer some of those same observations all these years later.
Although the article was meant for those facing life on their own after divorce, choosing to redeem our losses is often a series of seemingly endless choices ... whether they be hugely monumental or gently imperceptible, achingly heartbreaking or delightfully freeing.
Maybe some of the words below will ring true for those of you who are struggling?
"People sometimes remain in the past because they have no hope for the future," says Linda Stoll, a pastoral counselor and certified life coach. "They continue looking at what's behind instead of focusing on what can be see out the big window right in front of them ... A person must decide to forge ahead toward healing," Stoll says. "With the help of a well-trained counselor, discerning pastor, or recovery ministry, people can see the past for what it was, both good and bad, erase the old tapes that play in their heads and discover who they are in Christ."
The process of letting go often includes a special ritual ... this might include creating scrapbooks, memory boxes, and quilts.
"Putting these things together can be cathartic especially when done in community with others who are grieving a loss and attempting to understand it in a healthy context,' Stoll says. "The planting of a tree {to mark your new life} or a donation to an organization that has special meaning can be beneficial. One client I worked with sold the jewelry that her former husband had given to her and sent the money to a shelter for abused women.
Making a choice to redeem our losses by choosing to bless others is a pivotal step in moving ahead."
We look backward so we get freed to look ahead.
Linda
BTW, Emily Freeman's recent podcast 162: Is it Time to Move On? is absolute must-listening!
*
<< What's Saving My Life * The Blues Scrapbook
Blogging ... 13 Years Later >>
*
sharing words with
I may be wrong Linda but I do think that focusing on others is and can be part of our healing journey. Taking our eyes off ourselves and see whom we can help is a big start to going down that road.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, Bill! I'm all about self-awareness and godly introspection, but it's way too easy for us to just sit around and look inward and get stuck there forever.
DeleteI love Joel 2:25 ... God can restore the years the locusts have eaten! I love that He specializes in redeeming the mess, the loss, the fear, the pain we've journeyed through to fuel us in serving others.
Bless.
Many people go through life weighed down by their past.
ReplyDeleteGod bless.
Yes, they do.
DeleteIs there a sadder way to live?
I once read an article in Family Circle magazine about people who live to be older than 100. When asked by her nephew if nothing bad had ever happened to her a 100 year old woman replied, “if it did I forgot about it.” Wee have the ability to choose what we carry with us from out past and what we leave behind.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I look back to see if I remember the particulars of a difficult situation and I can barely remember a thing.
DeleteThat's grace!
And then there's a time to remember even when all has been forgiven because in the wisdom you gained, there is peace ... and necessary caution for when similar situations creep up from behind yet again.
I was looking through some of my old journal entries from the past several years and oh my goodness! I saw so much anger and discontentment in those pages. I ended up ripping the pages out and throwing them away. I was feeling like I wouldn't want my sneaking peeks at my journal or reading them after I'm gone.
ReplyDeleteI could write the same thing you just wrote, Regina ... WORD FOR WORD!
Delete;-}
Actually, I hardly ever look back at them because they are often painful for me and not much of value.
I stopped journaling a year ago because it wasn't helping me move forward but instead kept me stuck in a rut. My husband said he'd destroy the years of journals if something happens to me because he believes they should be private for my eyes only.
I might take care of it before then.
Linda, there's so much wisdom in your words. I like the ideas presented to help mark the decision to move forward in life. We can learn from our past, but we shouldn't allow it to dictate the choices we make in the present and the future. Thanks for that reminder.
ReplyDeleteMarking a turning point can be a powerful tool, yes.
DeleteThanks, Jeanne ...
The past is just so yesterday!
ReplyDeleteThe dead will plant their dead,
but I will take the Jesus Way
and hit the road instead
unto a golden-bright tomorrow,
unto my destiny,
which, yeah, may contain some sorrow
and perhaps a Calvary,
but I don't care and I don't mind,
my sin-debt has been paid,
and on the journey I will find
that past mistakes I've made
have torn my old self-pride apart
to give God room to heal my heart.
'past mistakes I've made
Deletehave torn my old self-pride apart
to give God room to heal my heart.'
Amen. This is the story of our lives ... if we invite God right into the middle of it to unleash His healing power. Perfectly said, friend.
And yes, 'the past is just so yesterday!'
;-}
Redeeming the hurt for a future good. Thanks for sharing. Gail
ReplyDeleteAmen! Our redemption stories continue beyond our salvation experience. I'm so grateful ...
DeleteThe timing of this post feels part affirmation and part you are somehow seeing in my life. Our dining room table has been covered with stacks of photos while we (mostly me) try to sort through and make decisions what should be kept and what is okay to be kept on a hard drive. I'm grateful to have you virtually walking this road with me.
ReplyDeleteOh ... that sounds like an incredibly daunting project, Debby! Just those words 'hard drive' make me squeamish!
DeleteThere are generations of family photos to sort through around here. Maybe tomorrow?
hahaha
I can surely relate to going through those crates. Whew - the emotional baggage weighs a ton and is SO hard to part with. After all we have sorted through and let go of, I still find things that I am clinging to and need to deal with. It is a never-ending process as we sift through those things that should be released and those that should remain. God bless you for sharing your words of wisdom.
ReplyDeleteCheryl, hi! I hear exactly what you're saying. I tend to sort through stuff in layers, acknowledging that I'm not ready to release some possession or momento right now and not judge myself for it.
DeleteMore times than not, when I return to the box or pile or closet some time later, much of what I was unsure of the last go 'round is ready to be tossed.
I like that. It takes the pressure off.
;-}
I've had the same experience, Linda. Sometimes I've wondered why I kept an item at all the last go 'round. Why did I think it was important to keep? In my present state of mind/emotions, it's lost its appeal. LOVE what you say about taking the pressure off ourselves. If we're not ready to let go, there's no rush. (I'm not a packrat, so I don't need to worry about that.) On the other side of the coin, sometimes I've regretted getting rid of an item, such as my wedding dress. (It was looking quite sad, but still...) Then I remind myself: I've got plenty of pictures, and no one can take my memories!
DeleteGreat reminder that our memories can be beautiful, Nancy! I'm wondering that if we take the pressure off ourselves and aren't under a difficult time constraint, maybe we'll have fewer regrets about what we've let go of.
DeleteI experienced a purging exercise over Christmas. One night I found dozens of large envelopes of Christmas cards that people had given me over the years. I realized I had kept cards since 1992! I put on some Christmas music sat on the floor and through the wee hours of the night I read all the Christmas cards. I laughed, and cringed, and ached and longed. I separated tender cards given to me by my late Mom and Grandmother, as well as hilarious cards from my sister and then said a grateful good-bye to the rest of the cards. This was one of those endless choices...
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, I hear you about the Christmas cards, Kathreen! Saving all manner of cards is a family trait started by my mom and would be easily continued by me if I had the space.
DeleteMy dear mom can not bear to depart from one single card she has received in eons ... and so I packed them all away for her in a huge plastic crate. She's now in a care facility and she will probably never see them again. But again, now she has a growing mound of them in her tiny room, arriving day by day from those who love her.
If possessions give us some kind of comfort or reassurance as we age, as so many loved ones have died, if we are infirm and shut in ... at this point, I'm saying 'go for it, Mom!'
Linda, I would agree, your words from 2008 still hold true today, excellent advice. I definitely think a key decision is deciding or choosing to move forward. I meet people all the time in hospice and bereavement stuck in the past, but refusing to move forward to healing. Thank you for sharing this treasure!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your work in Hospice, Donna. My Mom has been a recipient of their care, even limited by the pandemic, these past 8 months. We so appreciate their skilled kindness and presence in her life, and ours.
DeleteAnd yes, I have met with a number of people along the way who have actually refused to move ahead. The past has come to define them and they see no way forward. For some reason, staying there works for them, they are getting some measure of identity or satisfaction from their grief.
One of the most interesting questions Jesus asked was, 'do you want to be well?' {John 5}. And sadly, there are people who do not. Staying stuck in the long ago somehow works for them.
And that is a great loss to those around them who long for their renewed presence.
I absolutely love what you've said here, Linda; such sound and positive advice for moving forward in our lives when we've suffered a loss or a setback. I've had several of those in my life, and with the help of counseling and writing out my thoughts, I was finally able to look through that front-facing window head on.
ReplyDeleteBlessings!
You're right, friend ... writing is greatly cathartic and healing for those who are comfortable in going there. Not everyone is, but for those who do, this is often a very viable pathway through the valley of the shadow and re-entry into the light.
DeleteWow! You were so wise, even back in 2008! I especially loved this line: "Making a choice to redeem our losses by choosing to bless others is a pivotal step in moving ahead." Making a choice to bless others is always a good idea. What a wonderful way to begin a new chapter in life. Thanks for the podcast recommendation. I will check it out!
ReplyDeleteOh you'll love this podcast, Laurie ... I think this is one of Emily's Top 10 and I've been a fan forever.
DeleteAnd yes, please, to blessing others. It helps us to get out of our own heads and see all those around us who need a touch that only we can give. What a surprise when we realize that others are in darker places than we ourselves have been.
The choice we make could be a long-awaited answer to some soul's prayer ...
What fun to find something from past years. And even more fun to realize the advice you gave rings true for today. I've found it's important to spend time grieving over disappointments and disasters so I can move forward in a healthy way.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right, Anita. Without grieving well and fully, we find it almost impossible to move ahead into life's next chapter. Everyone does it on a different timetable and in a myriad of ways. Some get stalled in the process because it is such heart-wrenching work. But we must keep going to re-gain health and sanity.
DeleteSweeping those 'disappointments and disasters' under the rug only leads to harm in the future.
Oh how wonderful that your piece was placed in Focus on the Family. I know that was years ago right? but still! How awesome. Oh dear Linda...I have always said that we cannot walk in the future and still wallow in the past. I do know that me personally that I had to deal with some past issues and allow God to heal me before I could truly walk in the future. I remember many years ago doing a Bible study by Henry Blackaby called, "Experiencing God". For me, it was a life changer and I was broken through that study so I could heal. I made a deliberate decision that I would not wallow in the past because I wanted a future and one that I included knowing that God was my healer. It is crazy because that was years ago but you know what I have asked of God from time to time? Gonna sound crazy....But I have told ladies that I NEVER want to go back but at times I have asked God to remind me of where HE brought me from so I would I would be all the more grateful and thankful and give Him praise. Enjoyed your post so much and appreciate your prayers for me. Hugs and blessings, Cindy
ReplyDeleteCindy, your testimony is beautiful ... and such an encouragement. I've heard really excellent things about Blackaby's 'Experiencing God.' I'm guessing that more than a few people will read your story here and it will prompt them to move through their brokenness to a future of joy and blessing.
DeleteAnd no, you're not crazy, friend. Just grateful ... and very wise!
Look at you, Linda! Not only were you featured at such an amazing source of Christian and family values/guidance, but you gave such a wise and insightful response regarding this thorny situation! I am so honored to call you my friend and hope your perspective continues to bless those who visit here!
ReplyDeleteThank you, my friend ... and mentor!
DeleteI always value your perspective and wisdom.
Wow I just experienced this. I am leading a Step Study Continues group in Celebrate Recovery and the new set of questions ask us to look at a prior inventory. Well I did just that and what a confirmation of God’s transforming power. I saw old things left behind and new things developed from understanding what held me down (or biblically speaking, the sin that so easily entangles).
ReplyDeleteMy recent inventory showed me a freeing aspect of halting the overthinking of something and trying to fix it in my power. Step 5 (James 5:16) is a difficult but rewarding step to take.
Carol, I love that CR is continuing online and that you are continuing to provide leadership. More than ever, this ministry is needed and I can't think of a more capable guide than you.
DeleteAnd that you are continuing to work the program long after God has brought healing and wholeness says a great deal about you, my friend ... and CR's ministry.
So grateful that you are living out God's call on your life!
https://www.celebraterecovery.com/
��
ReplyDeleteHi Rue ... I hope today finds you well and encouraged.
DeleteThanks for these words. My family is currently going through some things that I have to keep reminding myself will be redeemed.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying right now for you, Lauren. Waiting is not easy and this kind of redemption often doesn't come overnight. But God's promises are true and 'we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose' {Romans 8:28}.
DeleteMay He bless you with a peaceful anticipation in the waiting room, friend.
I call this--"Getting out of the ditch". Sometimes it takes a great deal of pushing and pulling, but we aren't meant to stay in the ditch!
ReplyDeleteBlessings, My Friend!
He has something more for us to be, to do, doesn't He!
DeleteWhat a blessing that you found that old article and were able to share it with us, Linda. Truth stands the test of time, doesn’t it? I’m also grateful when I read something I wrote long ago and realize that I would share it again if given the opportunity. (Even if remembering how I was back then makes me cringe just a wee bit. :-) ) I just finished going through five boxes of old schoolwork, personal memorabilia, letters and cards, etc. I managed to cull out an entire box, but the rest of it is all organized and packed away in matching totes. It was good to remember, reflect and give thanks for God’s faithfulness. Next up, returning to a few totes full of my parents’ papers ... some how, going through my own stuff has given me energy for phase 2. Hugs, friend.
ReplyDelete'All organized and packed away in matching totes.' Love that, Lois. And in finding it good to 'remember, reflect and give thanks for God's faithfulness,' it sounds like you've set yourself up for a sweet time of reflection as you spend time with your parents' papers.
DeleteI pray that wonderful memories will come to bless you as you do so ...
good words. Love Emily's podcast too.
ReplyDeleteShe's the only one I listen to on a regular basis!
Delete