3 Grief Memoirs to Read (especially if you aren't the griever)
In my years of conversations with women, I can't count the number of hours I've listened to stories of stunning, unfathomable loss.
Grief always makes her huge presence known. She might not be the 'presenting problem,' but she can't help but show up before too long, all big and strong. She sucks the oxygen right out of the room. Grief is unwieldy, powerful and vulnerable ... and desperate to be named, validated, attended to. Somehow redeemed.
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Books on grieving run the gamut from highly questionable and completely unrealistic to absolute game-changers. I don't know about you, but when it comes to this tender topic, I'm not interested in academic studies or professional tomes.
Memoirs. I choose to immerse myself in the stories of others.
We often think that 'grief books' are only meant for those who are, um, grieving. But I'm thinking that those who benefit most might be the ones watching helplessly from the sidelines, wondering what to say, what to do, how to respond.
Far too often we do nothing at all and it ends up sending a message we never intended to send.
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Grief is complex and never straight-forward. More often than not, it's raw and messy, numbing and disorienting. Nothing can prepare us for these chapters in our lives. We'll never be able to package it up all pretty with a big bow on top no matter how hard we try. Life as we've known it will never be quite the same again. We are transformed in ways we never dreamed possible.
But take heart because that might end up being a very good thing.
God is a Healer. He specializes in miracles, the kind that mend and restore our tattered and torn souls. And then He invites us to serve as 'wounded healers' to the broken-hearted around us.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all of our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
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Each of these women's stories is memorably penned with her own unique viewpoint and emphases. Go ahead and sift through each of them. Listen to their videos. Click the links to read a chapter or so. You'll discover common threads, universal truths, and deeper understanding of grief's unspeakable impact. I'm guessing that one of these will fit the bill for you.
Not just if you are suffering loss. But if you want to authentically, effectively offer your presence to those who find themselves in that place. And I have a feeling that if you're reading this, you do.
The first blog post I ever wrote was a short ode honoring my friend, Lisa, who died far too young. So when I heard that her daughter Marisa was writing this book, I grabbed it as soon as it hit the shelves.
Marisa has become an accomplished, articulate professional woman, an appointee of the Obama White House, known as a 'rabble-rouser of social healing,' and the founder of several organizations.
Getting deeper insight into the impact of Lisa's death on her daughter was a powerful experience for me and brought me back to that February night in 2008 as this 'Counselor for Pastoral Care' followed the church's Pastor to the Lee home after we got the news that Lisa had suddenly gone home to be with the Lord.
It's OK that You're Not OK: Meeting Grief & Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand Megan Devine author website The depth of the impact of this volume surprised me. It's the kind of book where you read a chapter and then need to put it down for a bit. While I read it after my Mom's death, it spoke to other griefs I've known of or actually experienced, the ones that made absolute no sense at all, the kind that you never saw coming, that drop the bottom right out of life itself.
After watching her husband drown in 2009, this psychotherapist has gone on to become a nationally known grief advocate and founded the Writing Your Grief community.
'I am talking about things beyond what we consider the natural order of things ... accidents and illnesses, natural and manmade disasters, violent crimes, suicides ... the underground losses, the pain no one wants to talk about ... the baby who died.
People think the whole point of grief is to get out of it as quickly as possible. As if grief were some strange thing, some bizarre, and incorrect, response to someone you love being torn from your life. Grief gets a narrow window to be expressed. After that, you are expected to return to normal, carrying with you the gifts you've learned from the experience. You're supposed to become wiser, more compassionate, and truly understand what's important. Staying sad means you're not doing it right.'
The sister of Rachel Held Evans writes of the stunning impact of Rachel's sudden death even as she herself was going through her own devastating series of miscarriages. There is a beautiful, gentle strength to her cadence, her writing style, that drew me right in on page one.
As she weaves her story, Amanda seamlessly incorporates research on how rituals are able to aid in healing. And to my surprise, I'm discovering how much I'm drawn to the Jewish ritual of 'sitting shivah.'
'Shivah provides that next right step for friends who want to offer comfort but who are afraid to encroach on the bereaved, afraid of not knowing what to say or what to do. And it shows a mourner how to receive love. Shivah is indeed intrusion. Death must be trespassed upon. In shivah, fear is interrupted by friendship. Loneliness is interrupted by love. Pain is interrupted by presence.'
I'm slowly making my way through these pages. For some reason, I'm in no hurry to finish up. Probably because I'm finding Amanda to be a gentle companion in my own grieving journey.
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P.S.S. {4 hours after publication} Upon reflection, I deleted a portion of the final line of the 3rd paragraph. It was poorly worded and didn't reflect my love and passion for God's Word.
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I've often thought I should have studied grief. Through a dramatic and unexpected change in our lives I discovered grief was about much more than loss with death. As you said, it's complex and messy. It's also healing and forgiving. Thanks for sharing these, Linda. - Debby
Debby, thanks for starting off this conversation by linking forgiveness with grief and healing and all kinds of losses. Asking for forgiveness and receiving it can be a huge step toward healing if done well. To continue to hold on to stuff on either end can only be life-draining.
💔
Here's Why You Should Forgive ... and 3 Surprising Reasons Why You Shouldn't Forget http://www.lindastoll.net/2019/09/heres-why-you-should-forgive-and-3.html
What good resources! I've been struggling with how to respond - so many blog posts on "What not to do" that I've felt stymied because I don't want to offend - and so many people seem to be offended that those that care are frightened to reach out. I needed to hear that people need to grieve and not fit into a schedule - and the encouragement to show up, to just love and listen. Thanks for the recommendations and reviews!
Maryleigh, absolutely. In our efforts to be respectful, we tend to tiptoe around and in the end no one is happy. Asking those who are up to their eyeballs in grief what they need is useless because they're barely functioning. It literally doesn't compute in their brains.
This I know for sure.
You can't go wrong sending a beautiful card. Or simply dropping off something nutritious. Fruit salad, chicken soup, a ham, home-baked anything, a quiche. Ya gotta eat. Even when life has stopped.
Thanks for bringing up a touchy subject. We all hear you. 🛒
I just finished chapter 7, Sympathy Cards (words) in Amanda's book. She tenderly addresses exactly what you're talking about Maryleigh. So good - 'I will say that without a doubt, absence is more painful than someone's imperfect presence, and silence is more wounding than someone's awkward attempts at offering comfort. Love covers a multitude of imperfect words.' (page 127). 😢
Thank you, Linda, for sharing these truths about grief. What especially touches my heart is what you write, "Grief is unwieldy, powerful and vulnerable ... and desperate to be named, validated, attended to. Somehow redeemed." And what Megan Devine says how it's not our job to make people feel happy but to make them feel heard. So, so true. Love and blessings to you!
I appreciate knowing about these resources. I'm one who actually does take comfort in neatly categorized Scripture verses. :-) A Bible study I did years back on why God allows suffering was a big help to me. But it also helps in our own grieving and desire to help others to read people's stories.
A couple of my favorite resources are old ones: A Path Through Suffering by Elisabeth Elliot and Rose from Brier by Amy Carmichael. When God Weeps by Joni Eareckson Tada and Steve Estes was a watershed book for me. Just this week, Tim Challies' book Seasons of Loss released, his writings through the first year after the sudden and unexplained death of his college-aged son. I have it but have not read it yet. But I've read his blog, so I am sure the book will have much good to share in the "fellowship of sufferings." Then just this year I read Where I End by Katherine Elizabeth Clark, who was instantly paralyzed when a child jumped off playground monkey bars onto her head and broke her neck. It's more about the loss of health and abilities (as is Amy's) than loss of a loved one, but there's grief there as well.
Barbara, hi! I always love when you come with beautiful selections. Joni has ministered to countless millions over the decades ... my Mom was one of them. I will check out Tim Challies' book. What searing loss.
And yes, friend, you're absolutely right about the comfort and consolation of Scripture. The Spirit faithfully whispers God's Word to us in the quietness of the night or silent hours of the day. In times of deep grief, I've found that one simple verse ministers to my soul far more than a whole bunch at one time. It's too much for my aching soul to grasp and it overwhelms my already overloaded brain. 😇
*** Upon reflection, I deleted a portion of the final line of the 3rd paragraph of this post. It was poorly worded and didn't reflect my love and passion for God's Word.
I agree, Linda. I think doing a study on suffering in the Bible and reading books on it helped give me a core that helped form my thinking and reactions. But in the moment of grief or pain or weariness or loss, it's often one verse or truth that I can grasp and hang my soul on that gets me through. Joni said in one talk that when a child falls off his bike and skins his knee, he doesn't need a lecture on knee pads or navigating around bumps in the road or going too fast. Those might be necessary later. But what he needs in the moment is his father's comfort. I'm so glad our Father knows what we need when.
'Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.' - John 14:27 🚴♀️
In 1997, my husband passed away after suffering a freak fall and consequent brain injury. That was my first close encounter with searing grief. When you are going through it, putting one foot in front of the other seems impossible; if not for having to be there for my children, I don't know if I would have made it through. I remember being so angry with God for taking John away, and at the same time, thankful for His presence and comfort. How ironic! God taught me so much through the entire process. Maybe one day, I can be with someone just to listen about their loss and be present with them. Blessings!
Martha, thank you for sharing a peek at this vulnerable, painful season of your life. I have no words except to affirm your desire to be present with another soul in a similar situation. I believe God will send her to you and you will minister to her in a way that no one else could.
Hi Linda! I have not heard of any of these books. Thanks for mentioning them. I was drawn to a book by Kayla Stoecklein called "Fear Gone Wild." Last week was Suicide Awareness Week and I have had to deal with some of that lately as a pastor. Kayla's husband was a pastor and had an adoring wife and 3 young sons but his "demons" would not leave. I am almost 80 pages in and I find my heart going out to him and to her. So far, this has been an excellent book as Kayla tells "their" story.
Bill, thanks for this referral. This is such hard stuff. Reality is often a traumatic place to find ourselves. And I find fewer and fewer words these days.
Bless you as you continue to minister during these harrowing seasons. ✝️
If I am honest, most books on grief become "triggers" for me...sending me down a dark hole and I tend to avoid them. But there is much to be learned not only in sharing our story and/or grief experience but also in hearing/reading others. Thanks for the suggestions. I had not heard of any of these particular books. I need to venture out a bit more.
Jennifer, I so respect your wise decision. Only God truly knows where we are deep inside and He helps us make choices that lead us toward hope and peace. Getting immersed in others' stories can be detrimental and I say 'amen' to your perceptive, courageous choice.
I've felt the same way about books dealing with anxiety and depression. I don't need to go there again. My own experiences have been sufficient.
May God bless you with peace and continued grace toward yourself. 🕊️
Linda, I love this post. This is so heartwarming. I'm going to have to check these stories out. My heart is touched and I'd like to learn more. Thank you for linking up with Sweet Tea & Friends this month my friend.
I'm glad it somehow comes across as heartwarming, friend. Most of us don't like to go there (and the stats this week are affirming that!) But this is where most of us are, were, or will be. Maybe someone will file it away for a rainy day. ☔
Thank you for this post, Linda. I definitely appreciate the comment above, where you quoted Amanda: 'I will say that without a doubt, absence is more painful than someone's imperfect presence, and silence is more wounding than someone's awkward attempts at offering comfort. Love covers a multitude of imperfect words.' (page 127)." So true. I didn't mind what anyone said because I knew there was nothing anyone could say to make it right or better. I just accepted their words with the understanding that I'm glad they said something, rather than nothing.
You're right, Katie, there's nothing someone can say to make it 'right or better.' I do think that people usually are searching for that elusive magic wand and there isn't any and it's all so uncomfortable them. I get that, for sure.
A hug and a few loving words goes a long way. Silence does no one any favors and can bring an awkwardness into a relationship. Ugh.
I've read the first two books and LOVED them. I gleaned so much from them. I've actually been rereading today the notes I took from Megan Devine's book. I'll likely re-read the book sooner rather than later. I haven't read the third book you mentioned but I'll look it up because I do miss Rachel Held Evans myself too! Thanks, Linda.
Lisa, hi! You and I have bonded over so many books over the years so I just know you will love Amanda's memoir / grief companion. It is profound and rich on so many levels. I can't wait to read your review! 👭
I've often thought I should have studied grief. Through a dramatic and unexpected change in our lives I discovered grief was about much more than loss with death. As you said, it's complex and messy. It's also healing and forgiving. Thanks for sharing these, Linda. - Debby
ReplyDeleteDebby, thanks for starting off this conversation by linking forgiveness with grief and healing and all kinds of losses. Asking for forgiveness and receiving it can be a huge step toward healing if done well. To continue to hold on to stuff on either end can only be life-draining.
Delete💔
Here's Why You Should Forgive ... and 3 Surprising Reasons Why You Shouldn't Forget
http://www.lindastoll.net/2019/09/heres-why-you-should-forgive-and-3.html
What good resources! I've been struggling with how to respond - so many blog posts on "What not to do" that I've felt stymied because I don't want to offend - and so many people seem to be offended that those that care are frightened to reach out. I needed to hear that people need to grieve and not fit into a schedule - and the encouragement to show up, to just love and listen. Thanks for the recommendations and reviews!
ReplyDeleteMaryleigh, absolutely. In our efforts to be respectful, we tend to tiptoe around and in the end no one is happy. Asking those who are up to their eyeballs in grief what they need is useless because they're barely functioning. It literally doesn't compute in their brains.
DeleteThis I know for sure.
You can't go wrong sending a beautiful card. Or simply dropping off something nutritious. Fruit salad, chicken soup, a ham, home-baked anything, a quiche. Ya gotta eat. Even when life has stopped.
Thanks for bringing up a touchy subject. We all hear you.
🛒
I just finished chapter 7, Sympathy Cards (words) in Amanda's book. She tenderly addresses exactly what you're talking about Maryleigh. So good -
Delete'I will say that without a doubt, absence is more painful than someone's imperfect presence, and silence is more wounding than someone's awkward attempts at offering comfort. Love covers a multitude of imperfect words.' (page 127).
😢
Thank you, Linda, for sharing these truths about grief. What especially touches my heart is what you write, "Grief is unwieldy, powerful and vulnerable ... and desperate to be named, validated, attended to. Somehow redeemed." And what Megan Devine says how it's not our job to make people feel happy but to make them feel heard. So, so true. Love and blessings to you!
ReplyDeleteThis right here ➡️ 'And what Megan Devine says how it's not our job to make people feel happy but to make them feel heard.'
DeleteOh that we might be more gentle, quietly compassionate listeners ... God, help us.
😏
I appreciate knowing about these resources. I'm one who actually does take comfort in neatly categorized Scripture verses. :-) A Bible study I did years back on why God allows suffering was a big help to me. But it also helps in our own grieving and desire to help others to read people's stories.
ReplyDeleteA couple of my favorite resources are old ones: A Path Through Suffering by Elisabeth Elliot and Rose from Brier by Amy Carmichael. When God Weeps by Joni Eareckson Tada and Steve Estes was a watershed book for me. Just this week, Tim Challies' book Seasons of Loss released, his writings through the first year after the sudden and unexplained death of his college-aged son. I have it but have not read it yet. But I've read his blog, so I am sure the book will have much good to share in the "fellowship of sufferings." Then just this year I read Where I End by Katherine Elizabeth Clark, who was instantly paralyzed when a child jumped off playground monkey bars onto her head and broke her neck. It's more about the loss of health and abilities (as is Amy's) than loss of a loved one, but there's grief there as well.
Barbara, hi! I always love when you come with beautiful selections. Joni has ministered to countless millions over the decades ... my Mom was one of them. I will check out Tim Challies' book. What searing loss.
DeleteAnd yes, friend, you're absolutely right about the comfort and consolation of Scripture. The Spirit faithfully whispers God's Word to us in the quietness of the night or silent hours of the day. In times of deep grief, I've found that one simple verse ministers to my soul far more than a whole bunch at one time. It's too much for my aching soul to grasp and it overwhelms my already overloaded brain.
😇
*** Upon reflection, I deleted a portion of the final line of the 3rd paragraph of this post. It was poorly worded and didn't reflect my love and passion for God's Word.
DeleteI agree, Linda. I think doing a study on suffering in the Bible and reading books on it helped give me a core that helped form my thinking and reactions. But in the moment of grief or pain or weariness or loss, it's often one verse or truth that I can grasp and hang my soul on that gets me through. Joni said in one talk that when a child falls off his bike and skins his knee, he doesn't need a lecture on knee pads or navigating around bumps in the road or going too fast. Those might be necessary later. But what he needs in the moment is his father's comfort. I'm so glad our Father knows what we need when.
Deletemmm ... love that ... no lectures, just mercy.
Delete'Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.'
- John 14:27
🚴♀️
In 1997, my husband passed away after suffering a freak fall and consequent brain injury. That was my first close encounter with searing grief. When you are going through it, putting one foot in front of the other seems impossible; if not for having to be there for my children, I don't know if I would have made it through. I remember being so angry with God for taking John away, and at the same time, thankful for His presence and comfort. How ironic!
ReplyDeleteGod taught me so much through the entire process. Maybe one day, I can be with someone just to listen about their loss and be present with them.
Blessings!
Martha, thank you for sharing a peek at this vulnerable, painful season of your life. I have no words except to affirm your desire to be present with another soul in a similar situation. I believe God will send her to you and you will minister to her in a way that no one else could.
DeleteJoel 2: 25-26.
Bless you, friend ...
💐
All of these look like excellent resources, Linda. Thanks for sharing them.
ReplyDeleteJeanie, thanks. Something to just tuck away just in case ...
DeleteHave a good week.
🙋♀️
You've drawn me into "sitting Shivah" too. I'd love to learn more about that.
ReplyDeleteAmanda is a gentle, wise navigator. I'm learning so much from her story. For sure, it will be one of my favorite reads this year.
Delete🔦
Hi Linda! I have not heard of any of these books. Thanks for mentioning them. I was drawn to a book by Kayla Stoecklein called "Fear Gone Wild." Last week was Suicide Awareness Week and I have had to deal with some of that lately as a pastor. Kayla's husband was a pastor and had an adoring wife and 3 young sons but his "demons" would not leave. I am almost 80 pages in and I find my heart going out to him and to her. So far, this has been an excellent book as Kayla tells "their" story.
ReplyDeleteBill, thanks for this referral. This is such hard stuff. Reality is often a traumatic place to find ourselves. And I find fewer and fewer words these days.
DeleteBless you as you continue to minister during these harrowing seasons.
✝️
If I am honest, most books on grief become "triggers" for me...sending me down a dark hole and I tend to avoid them. But there is much to be learned not only in sharing our story and/or grief experience but also in hearing/reading others. Thanks for the suggestions. I had not heard of any of these particular books. I need to venture out a bit more.
ReplyDeleteJennifer, I so respect your wise decision. Only God truly knows where we are deep inside and He helps us make choices that lead us toward hope and peace. Getting immersed in others' stories can be detrimental and I say 'amen' to your perceptive, courageous choice.
DeleteI've felt the same way about books dealing with anxiety and depression. I don't need to go there again. My own experiences have been sufficient.
May God bless you with peace and continued grace toward yourself.
🕊️
Linda, I love this post. This is so heartwarming. I'm going to have to check these stories out. My heart is touched and I'd like to learn more.
ReplyDeleteThank you for linking up with Sweet Tea & Friends this month my friend.
I'm glad it somehow comes across as heartwarming, friend. Most of us don't like to go there (and the stats this week are affirming that!) But this is where most of us are, were, or will be. Maybe someone will file it away for a rainy day.
Delete☔
Thank you so much Linda. What title would I give my grief story? Slowly, slowly towards the Light
ReplyDeleteOh, that's beautifully true, Aritha. You've captured the essence of our story. Thank you.
Delete🌤️
Thank you for this post, Linda. I definitely appreciate the comment above, where you quoted Amanda: 'I will say that without a doubt, absence is more painful than someone's imperfect presence, and silence is more wounding than someone's awkward attempts at offering comfort. Love covers a multitude of imperfect words.' (page 127)." So true. I didn't mind what anyone said because I knew there was nothing anyone could say to make it right or better. I just accepted their words with the understanding that I'm glad they said something, rather than nothing.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, Katie, there's nothing someone can say to make it 'right or better.' I do think that people usually are searching for that elusive magic wand and there isn't any and it's all so uncomfortable them. I get that, for sure.
DeleteA hug and a few loving words goes a long way. Silence does no one any favors and can bring an awkwardness into a relationship. Ugh.
I'm glad you're here today. Welcome.
💐
Such great resources and encouragement for grief. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteAmy, thanks. Appreciate that you're here.
Delete🙋♀️
I've read the first two books and LOVED them. I gleaned so much from them. I've actually been rereading today the notes I took from Megan Devine's book. I'll likely re-read the book sooner rather than later. I haven't read the third book you mentioned but I'll look it up because I do miss Rachel Held Evans myself too! Thanks, Linda.
ReplyDeleteLisa, hi! You and I have bonded over so many books over the years so I just know you will love Amanda's memoir / grief companion. It is profound and rich on so many levels. I can't wait to read your review!
Delete👭